By the time we arrived in LaColline, Haiti, I was certain of two things:
- God was speaking to me again, finally.
- God was going to heal my body.
I was half right on both counts.
The first step was a fast. After reading about natural living (starting with Michelle’s blog, Frugal Granola) I was convinced that my body was overrun with toxins and chemical substances.
Haiti, with its tropical climate and continual growing season, seemed like the perfect place to start. This time, however, my diet change was directed by more than just a doctor’s off-the-cuff suggestion.
I was going to fast for a few days and then start adding in fruits and vegetables followed by whole dairy (none of this altered, no-fat stuff) and a healthy amount of meat.
I wanted more from the fast than just a jump-start in my body though. I wanted a jump-start in my spiritual life. I wanted to go back to the days when I heard and knew God’s voice.
So, I did the only thing I knew of to help me hear. I opened my Bible to Genesis and started reading, “In the beginning…”. Twenty-seven days later, I read the words, “Amen, Come Lord Jesus. The grace of the Lord Jesus be with God’s people. Amen.”
God still touches blind eyes and makes them see. He still touches deaf ears and makes them hear. At the beginning of those twenty-seven days, I was blind and deaf and by the end, I could see and hear.
I learned so many things, it would be impossible to explain them all. I learned about wholeness. [read: On Healing] I learned about God’s heart. [read: Crying Savior] I learned about being chosen. [read: Musings on a Word]
And I finally understood about those two things.
- God wasn’t speaking again. He had never stopped.
My ears had been closed and my eyes blinded so I couldn’t see his lips moving and the message wasn’t penetrating. But it was there.
Know the funniest part? I know because I was the one writing it down. My journal from that first year was filled with me crying out to God and God answering. I literally have no memory of his answers but they are all right there, written in my handwriting.
- God says, “Fight.” When I feel weak, I tend to lay down my sword and said, “I can’t do this. I need help from those around me. I need them to fight for me.” But that isn’t truth! When I am weak, He is strong. [Note: I was sitting in a chair writing this and Brianna walked through the room, stopped, took my pen from me and wrote “YES” in big letters on the page. She never read what I was writing. She just felt God’s impression that she was to tell me yes.]
- I’m so lost. Confused. Jesus says, “That’s not truth. I’m with you, Tasha, and I’m not lost at all. It may feel that way but hear me: YOU ARE NOT LOST.”
- I realized the other day that it has been a long, long time since I’ve truly worshiped my Savior. I prayed about it slightly, saying, “Lord, is that part of my problem these days?” And my husband brought home a three-CD pack of Worship music. God’s answer? [I think maybe! J]
- “Jesus, what do I do? All I can think is that I need to give and give, focusing on others, because the moment I look at me- I just want to die. Is that what you’re asking of me?”
- I have a pocket in my journal that says, “How God sees me…” with little strips of paper, filled out by my friends. Established to the End. Sealed with the Spirit of Promise. The Apple of Your Father’s Eye. More than a Conqueror. Complete in Him.
- I feel like you’ve deceived me. And I feel your question: “Even if I deceive you, will you still love and follow me?” Yes, Lord. For where else would I go? I cannot live without loving you.
- “My daughter, today you are the painting, the image of something awe-inspiring. When I look at you, I see the landscape- the real thing. And slowly, but surely, I am making you real. Making you into the true you, the person you were always meant to be.”
- A note, taped on a journal page:
Tashe- I see the Lord, hovering over you, seeping through the walls of your house and then flooding you with his presence. Wait on Him, expect Him. He says he is coming, look for Him- don’t be distracted or forgetful. Remember that He is still fighting to make His way in your heart- fight with him. He loves you so so much. –Brianna
- a note, given to me at random:
Tashe-girl- FEAR NOT!!!!!! Stand steadfast in the promise that God’s plan is to “prosper you and not to harm you”.
- “The Lord says again, “My promises remain true.”
- Note from Delite:
“I feel like I can ‘hear’ God working on the promises he’s given you. Remember that verse in Exodus 14? “I will fight for you, you need only to be still.”
And that’s only a taste.
And the second thing I understood was:
2. It wasn’t that God was going to “heal my body” but that he was making me whole.
That meant all parts. Spirit. Body. Emotions. Everything. Did you read the account [On Healing]?
I honestly thought that I would be pregnant by the time I got home. That “healing” meant I would be done with struggling with infertility. I wasn’t. But I was whole. And I am so glad! Wholeness is a step toward “realness”. And more than anything, I want to be real. The landscape. What I was created to be. Not a copy of something. The real thing.