Our return home from Haiti was plagued with difficulties. From stepping off the plane with twenty-two dollars cash and a month’s worth of bills due, to attempting to fit back in American culture- it was a battle thwarted with hardship. [read: Re-Entry]

It took a full year before I felt like I had built a place to belong again. In that year I dropped back into moments of depression and hours of tears. But the moments didn’t last as long and the salt from the tears helped heal the wounds.

There were some beautiful moments of rejoicing. The day we signed the papers to pay off the farm [a miracle! Our 5 year plan had been stretched to 15 with our decision to go to Haiti. And God did it in ONE]. The birth of another niece [Hadassah Grace].

I was still studying about natural healing and was pleased with how my body was correcting itself. I depended heavily on resources like [NaturallyKnockedUp] [Be Your Own Doctor] [NaturalFertility] [Nourishing Traditions] [Keepers At Home].

We made the decision to buy a herd of dairy cows so I could have access to raw milk without any added hormones or antibiotics [we don’t milk organic, but I pick and choose what I give my cows and what I don’t]. That seemed to be the last needed boost that my body required.

We had been milking for two months when I ran out behind the barn to throw up my breakfast. Three positive tests later [because I didn’t believe the first two] I told my husband and my sister-in-law.

Two days later I woke up to blood. [Read: The Reality of Death and Life]

I was heartbroken. And bitter. But God heard my cry: Jesus, pour life back into me! He gave me peace. He made my bitterness sweet. He even brought me to a place where I could rejoice where I was [Read: If I Had Known: A Mother’s Day Post]

But here’s where the rubber meets the road: it’s hard to apply truths to life. It’s hard to actual live what you believe.I believe with all my heart that God controls my fertility. I believe that this place, right here, today, is where I’m supposed to be. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t long for something different. It doesn’t mean that I don’t start living like I’m the one in charge.

We serve a very, very gracious God.

Psalm 107 says,

“He brought them out of darkness and the deepest gloom

And broke away their chains.

Let them give thanks to the Lord

For his unfailing love…” 14-15

 And I wish it stopped there. But it doesn’t.

“Some became fools through their rebellious ways.

And suffered affliction because of their iniquities…” 17

This is pretty much my story. I could have saved us all the past four posts and just published these verses.

I fought God for so long. I wanted to be in charge. And me in charge would mean: no pain.  But that’s not how it works. That was my rebellious heart wanting to be God. Wasn’t that what got the human race in trouble in the first place?

But thankfully, it doesn’t stop there either.

“Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble,

And he saved them from their distress;

He sent forth his word and healed them;

He rescued them from the grave.” 20

“Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love…

Let them sacrifice thank offerings and tell of his works with songs of joy.” 21-22

So hands raised. Tears dripping from chin. Heart dancing. I sing. And I will keep singing.

And I will keep striving. Keep laying down the idol of “self”. Keep falling at the feet of the One who saves and heals and brings songs of joy to those who are hurting.


The one who takes our bitter, broken hearts- and makes them sweet.


How do I thank you for coming with me on this journey? It has been healing for me as well. And, of course, it is part of the continuing-journey… steps that take us onward toward our ultimate goal:


May His blessings be poured out onto you and your own,



5 thoughts on “[bitter.sweet]

  1. Your words are a balm to my heart. I am so sorry for your loss. I eagerly wait to journey with you, as I also want my own way and my own timing. I want a baby now. I want to be healed now. I will try to cling to the same promises that you are clinging to. May the Lord surround you with songs of deliverance.


  2. Infertility is not one of my struggles–my hubby and I need to finish school before we start trying to have children.

    But I have struggles, too, of course. And sometimes I ask God why. He doesn’t always give me the answer I want. But I know he knows best even when I don’t understand.

    Thank you for sharing this. It’s so encouraging to know how faithful God is even in the pain that life can bring.

    Thank you for the reminder to trust him always. To seek him in his word. To give everything over to him. I needed that reminder.


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