the {dreams} of God

Ever notice how Satan’s attacks grow stronger when you’re doing your best to follow God?

I’ve been watching my husband grow and begin to speak more boldly and struggle more deeply. I’ve been praying for him and for the farm and our life here but the peace in my heart hasn’t changed.

Until today.

My stomach was churning from the moment I woke up. I made it to the barn, started chores and tried to settle down. But my mind kept grasping, attempting somehow, in my own feeble way, to figure out a solution. There had to be an answer. Something I could do. Something I could say. Something that would fix the problems.

After all, that’s what I am, a fixer.

Half way through milking I gave up and started praying. Immediately the lyrics to a song that I haven’t heard in over ten years came to mind.

Father make me more like you. Take this heart of stone and give me something new. Jesus, cleanse me with your blood, take this empty vessel and fill it with your love.  There’s a place within my heart that longs and cries for only you. There’s a burning in my soul to want to see the bride united with the groom. Let the children come, fall upon our knees before you. Burn it in my heart to want to see the dreams of God come true.

I sang the bits and pieces that I remembered through the rest of milking.

With that being what my mouth was saying, you would think that I would have caught on a lot sooner. I can be a little slow sometimes.

I own a house in town. An adorable little cottage that, though it looks a bit trashed right now, was my home for one of my favorite periods of life. When I went to Brazil five years ago, I rented it out. Within a few months of coming home, my husband and I married and I moved to the farm.

The renter is behind in his rent.

We tried to call him but didn’t get an answer so my husband ran to town this morning to catch him before work. He walked back into the barn with a dejected look on his face.

“Says he lost his job. He doesn’t have any money.”

For some reason this news brought out the nasty unloving side of me. I didn’t say anything but I stewed. For quite some time.

The house is supposed to pay for itself and bring in a little extra. But he’s been behind for a little while now so the farm covered the mortgage, etc… But now the farm can’t cover it. There’s just not enough to go around.

I honestly felt like throwing something. Or maybe just throwing up. (I don’t do well with stress.)

When I finally made it inside, I wanted nothing more than to crawl in a hole and forget everything. So I grabbed a book that I need to review for Bethany House Publishers and wrapped up in my corner, fighting off thoughts of defeat and hopelessness.

Sometimes God makes me laugh.

The book, Spirit Wars by Kris Vallotton, was pretty much the equivalent of God yelling at me while knocking me upside the head. The entire chapter I was reading basically said, “You’re going to get hit where it hurts and it’s going to be long and painful and awful and it doesn’t mean you’re not following God. It means you are.”

“God closes one door and opens another, but it’s hell in the hallway.” –Joseph Garlington

and

“…but we forget that there is no victory without a battle, no testimony without a test and no miracle without impossible circumstances.” – Spirit Wars

Satan had found my weak spot. It is my reputation on the line and my credit rating. The house in town is mine. And while I might be able to sit in peace when the farm is struggling I, obviously, freak out when something that is attached to my pride gets threatened.

And right after my freak out came the thoughts: I know God takes care of those who follow him so maybe I’m not???? Maybe I deserve this? Maybe I spent money somewhere that I shouldn’t have? Maybe I should have given the renter a thirty day notice five months ago? Maybe I’m just a horrible business person.  Maybe I… maybe I… maybe I…

Burn it in my heart to want to see the dreams of God come true.

Oh. That’s right.

It’s not about me. It was never about me.

If God asks me to scrub floors as a form of washing feet and asks my husband to share the gospel with the farmers in our community… Why wouldn’t he ask me to surrender my pride for the sake of a single dad who just lost his job and is struggling too?

Because His heart breaks for those farmers and that single dad and his heart breaks for me too. His dream is for me to press on and press through and for this heart of stone to be made new. 

It was the Holy Spirit who led Jesus into the wilderness, God who inspired Nehemiah to rebuild the walls, and it is Jesus who led you to read this book… -Spirit Wars

 And maybe, perhaps, it was God who led you to this blog page. What is He saying to you today?

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14 thoughts on “the {dreams} of God

  1. Oh Natasha. This definitely resonates with what I’ve been experiencing recently, and I really appreciate what you had to say! In fact, I passed it on to my parents as well.

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    • Thank you! I took it when I was in Oregon for my little brother’s wedding. I was doing their wedding pictures and got completely distracted by the flower garden. 🙂

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  2. I just got done reading the author’s note of a bible I received in 1994. I have been wanting to start reading it in the last few weeks.

    I left my job end of April last year to start a non profit to help raise money for public schools of America. It was a concept my daughter had when she was 9 (she just turned 13 two days ago). I told myself, after my last day, I will dedicate 30 days of prayer and meditation. Finding the courage to quit took a leap of faith and only through the strength God gave me was I able to do that.

    The day before my last day, I couldn’t sleep and decided to start working on the website to share my cause. Then an offer to go to the Philippines to help my brother’s business came up. 5 weeks in my country of birth, all expenses paid and they paid for my daughter’s fare too. I took the offer. Before the trip, I worked on my start-up as I prormised myself I would get back to working on it when I return. When we returned, I had to get ready for an 8 day pre-planned trip to Hawaii. After Hawaii, school started and I tended to my daughter.

    Meanwhile, I continued to cross my T’s and dot my I’s. Starting a non profit take real focus, which I struggled with daily.

    By now, it’s the holidays. Then another pre-planned trip was coming up. An 8 day cruise in the Carribean, then 6 days in Florida to visit my husband’s family. Once again, I promised I would work on my NPO when we return. Since then, I have been working on it and now have everything to submit papers to the IRS, hoping no more distractions arise.

    All is going according to plan but I still feel anxious. In my head I keep having the same thoughts…”There’s something missing” or “something’s wrong”. So this morning I realized, I never gave 30 days of prayer or time for God to help me focus on my path to His will…

    Then I read this blog. Thank you for confirming that nothing comes easy but the reward is within reach. Thank you for the quotes that reaffirms God’s faith in us. I was so busy acknowledging my faith in God, that I forgot to acknowledge His faith in us. You’re right… This life isn’t about us.

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    • Isn’t it crazy how quickly we push everything upon ourselves? I love the place where Jesus says, “My burden is light” because when we truly turn to him- he takes it all upon himself and we can rest! (of course, doing that means giving up our pride. *ouch*)

      May you feel him and hear him as you devote time to learning his will for this venture. xxx

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  3. Tasha, forgive me, but it was for me God led you to write these words. I hope your renter pays up soon, meanwhile I’m so glad God met me today with these words penned out of your hard spot.

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  4. He says it all with goosebumps.. and the way I used to believe, used to trust, used to pray and surrender is slowly coming back to me. And your post was just another trickle to fill up the well again 😉 Thanks for being such a great tool!

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  5. Praying you feel His grace straight to the very core of your heart: what a sweet reminder from our Lord that he is caring for you.

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  6. Natasha, God knew I needed to read this today. I just read the whole thing out loud to my husband. We’ve had circumstances lately which have been trying to our faith…but God has shown himself faithful in SO many ways. Thank you so much for allowing Him to speak through you–directly to me, it seems–today.

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    • So very thankful that He was able to use my feeble words to speak to you. We serve a great God, do we not? May you feel him near today!

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  7. Pingback: Never give up! « SOMETHINGVILLE.com

  8. Pingback: The Sins of Sodom {and a mirror} | embracing the miracle

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