for when a negative pregnancy test feels like a negative God’s favor test

There is one verse in the Bible that I struggle terribly with,

Sons are a heritage from the Lord
Children a reward from him. (Ps. 127:3)

That word, reward, is like a bitter taste in my mouth. My mind immediately says, “So, what didn’t I do right? Huh, God?”

I know it’s written to be an encouragement to those who have children. To say, “Hey, guys, this is a good thing!” when life gets hard and the babies are whining and you just want to take a nap. But it feels like maybe I’ve done something wrong or haven’t done enough good.

I went to a baby shower a few weeks ago and it was the first, in a long time, that I struggled through.

I was good with all the glowing pregnant women. I was okay with all the toddlers running around. But I struggled, oh, how I struggled, at the sharing time. A dear woman quoted this verse to the mom-to-be and I buried my face in the neck of the little-boy-who-was-not-mine on my lap. His chubby hands wrapped around me as he sighed and wiped snot on my shirt.

I pulled him in and wished to disappear into a safe place where I didn’t feel like the word FAILURE was plastered across my forehead.

God, I don’t understand this part. I get a lot of it. How only through brokenness can we be made whole. How in our weakness you are strong. How you work in paradoxes like life in death, dry bones turning into mighty armies, victory in defeat. But how, HOW, can children be a reward when it doesn’t matter if the mom is good or bad or indifferent?

And why, oh why, can’t I be given this reward?

Here’s the honest-to-goodness truth: I didn’t get an answer to my questions. I heard no words at all. The only thing that happened was that the little boy on my lap climbed down and asked to go outside. So I let him play on the porch while I stood by the window and watched. Then I realized something interesting… it was a Saturday.

I don’t watch children on Saturdays. All week I have little ones in and out. But Saturday? Nope. Except randomly, crazily, this Saturday.

His parents were gone for four days and I had this two-year-old snuggle-muffin the entire time. And when he came back inside, he climbed back up onto my lap and in my pain I had a baby to hold and cling to. And while that wasn’t the reward that I wish for it was still beautiful and precious. A priceless gift from a God who knows the trials I face. One who knows when a baby-shower threatens to make me crumble and works the details ahead of time to bring me comfort.

My view, so often, gets distorted. I fail to see the gifts I am given when I am lusting after more. Children are good, beautiful gifts but so often I make them into idols.  I long for a baby more than I hunger and thirst for Jesus.  O, God, forgive me. 

Yes, children are a reward from a loving Father but God’s greatest promise is not for things of this earth. Jesus says in Revelation 22:12

“Look, I am coming soon!
My reward is with me
and I will give to each person
according to what they have done.”

There is a  completion that will come with the return of Jesus. Right now we only see in-part but then we shall see fully.

As for now, for today, (because looking at the blank time between now and His return can feel hopeless), I hear the repeating of the questions:

Was it possible to love the created more than the Creator?
Did she love Him for who He was not just for what He could give?
If He tore away her dreams would she still remain His?

The Parable of the Silver-Locket 

Can I accept the rewards He has given me, without whining or lamenting {or growing angry and bitter} about the ones He hasn’t?

For more inspiration in facing infertility try the book Pain Redeemed: when our deepest sorrows meet God.