desperation meets God

Sometimes life tears wide-open.

I spent a day this past week in the insurance office trying to straighten out a mess that I didn’t make. That was directly on the heels of a two-hour wait in the radiology department of the hospital. The question of cancer in one of my dearest people sending shivers down my spine.

The bitter taste of a fallen world.

Evening comes and I’m teaching a lesson to a crowd of fifth-graders. We’re squished inside a tiny building, talking about the crowds that would come to see Jesus. The people who pressed in, desperate to be healed by Him.

We hear the cries from outside, “Jesus, we need you!” the shuffling of feet. The men try to break through but the crowd is large enough to keep them out. There is no way to get the lame man to the feet of Jesus.

All around me eyes are widening in wonder as the scraping and pounding echoes. They brighten in awe as the roof tears away. The sling lowers and the “lame” man is set at the feet of Jesus.

And my soul is crying in agony, “Please, Lord, let me find a way to your feet.”

What roof must I tear off?

What crowd do I need to outwit?

Then night comes and I walk into the barn and smell the metallic scent of blood rather than hay and manure. My husband is running and I follow and cringe at his ashen face as he turns toward me.

It’s bad. A new mother cow went crazy. Stomped her beautiful heifer calf to bits. I’ve never seen such a thing. It’s bloody and putrid and one.more.thing.

God?!

I’m going to crumble.

I am.

But I don’t.

I work and cry.

Words start running. Wrap themselves tight. I asked her, you see, for words of wisdom about facing infertility. And this isn’t, really, about infertility—it’s just about life. The messy, bloody and sad of life.

But that’s the wonder of God.

The One who sends what we need; the thoughts, the pieces of freedom; through the most unexpected places.

She wrote them true. A testimony.

“I do not need to feel guilt or condemnation, if sometimes, in the midst of the wind and pounding waves all I can do is hang onto Jesus by the tips of my fingernails and determine in my heart that I won’t ever let go.” – Rhonda Freed

I’m spreading fresh straw and bright red is seeping through crumbling stalks, and fingernails are tearing, but I won’t ever let go.

Because there is only one man who commands the wind and waves.

And the fact rings true:

I can’t control Him.

I can’t.

But I won’t ever let go because no one else, no one else, has the words of life.

When morning comes the messages arrive. A text, an email, a facebook comment, “Hey, thinking of you. Praying for you.” I haven’t said anything. My words stayed whispered deep. But God is answering.

The feeling of clawing the edge of His robe fades. Arms are wrapping—and I don’t even have to cling because I’m being held.

Are you feeling desperate as you cling to Him? Are you hearing His whispered comfort? Is there any way I can be praying for you? (drop me an email if you don’t want it posted in the comments section, natashametzler at gmail dot com) 

“After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper.” I Kings 19:12

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13 thoughts on “desperation meets God

  1. Good Morning Natasha, I got goosebumps reading this post. Thanks for pouring out the gut-wrenching truth that through confusion and pain God still remains our firm foundation! Along with you, I’m determined to receive fully from Him today. His grace is sufficient and mercies are new EVERY MORNING! Thanks girl! ~ Blessings, Amy

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    • Love the verses that talk about new mornings. It is the ultimate promise, after all? And a morning with come when things will be made new and remain new for all eternity. Oh, I can’t wait!

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    • I almost laughed as I wrote because while this was one day- I’ve had so many that elicit the same feelings of being cornered. So wonderful that God included a verse in His Word that says, “struck down but not destroyed”!

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  2. Excellent depiction of life in the raw in your writing today, Natasha. Desperately hanging on is all we can do somedays. But it is enough!

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  3. one of the best books i have EVER read The God of All Comfort by Dee Brestin. Her journey of learning to cling to promises, “find” God in the waves as they rolled at her, as her husband lost his battle with cancer. She is one of the most transparent Hope-filled, God-women i have ever had the pleasure of reading. i wept through the entire book. it is dog-eared, marked up, penciled, and (once) fell into the bathtub….and i don’t want a new one 🙂 Jesus SPILLS out of all her pain, that is part of all of our lives this side of Heaven. She uses the richness of old Hymns to explain how to “Soul talk” to your own hurts….and the laments of the Psalms. Praise Jesus for the Psalms! Our deepest groanings are a sweet incense to HIm. He wants ALL of us…not the cleaned –up parts. Who knew God LOVED our emotions? As women, the world tells us they are bad. They are “just” emotions….and He “gets it”….Praise Him. This is a beautiful post, Natasha!

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  4. Natasha, this is beautiful. This is exactly what I have learned (what he has taught me) during my seasons of desperation. We cling, feebly… but HE clings to us, and that makes all the difference.

    even in the darkness and the sadness and the bloody cow. One more thing- oh how I understand that feeling. Sometimes I just hate this place.

    Prayers for you Natasha.

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