When Fear Stalks.

The milking is finished and we’re sitting on bales of hay. The calves are greedily drinking their milk and the crunch of hay stills the barn. He’s talking and sharing hopes and when he says the words five years I stiffen. Breath snatches and I blink hard.

“I don’t want to be here in five years.”

Pain slices his face and I cringe. He looks at the line of cattle and then back at me with deep sorrow. “This is my dream,” the words echo quietly.

I’ve hurt him and I don’t know how to pull the words back. I fumble. His face falls lower. I’m grasping at straws and trying to explain my words when I don’t even know what they really mean.

Panic is spiraling and I clamp my mouth shut. We stare at cows and hay and puppy chasing a rope.

What is it, God? Why am I afraid? 

“I’m afraid of just being a farm-hand,” I tell my waiting husband, “I’m scared of never having the children I dream of and spending the rest of my life milking cows.”

Truth comes and tears drip from my chin. “No,” I stop, “that’s not true. Not the real truth.”

I take shaking breaths and scrub at my face. “It doesn’t really have anything to do with the farm. We could be doing anything in life and I would be scared that in five years, we’d be at the same place. I fear that God’s plan for me is somehow less than what I need.”

It wasn’t pretty. It wasn’t holy. Some of it wasn’t even good. 

But the fear was.

After pain comes fear. Always. When a child is buried– fear stalks the next pregnancy. When a marriage disintegrates– fear slinks through remaining relationships. When cancer appears– fear haunts at every bruise and every abnormal test. When infertility crushes dreams– fear licks at every remaining hope.

Fear is a giant that keeps armies cowering and trained warriors hiding. 

And if it were just us, we would have reason to slink away to safety. But it’s not. This giant stands in mockery of the living God. The One who says, “Do not fear for I am with you.”

The One whose thunder defeats armies (2 Kings 19), whose presence tumbles idols (1 Samuel 5). The One whose unfailing love remains and whose redemption conquers the gates of hell.

I pray, oh, how I pray, that I will learn to know this God the way David did. That I will choose my stones and face this giant with confidence. That I will truly understand that fear is real and is present but my God is greater than any weapon used against me.

The only thing I need in life is to bring God glory.  And everything else is a mirage. 

When I cling to that over everything else I find that I am whole and fear has been banished.

What about you? Is there an area that fear is keeping you sliced wide-open? I’d love to be in prayer with you– to bind together with you against the enemy. Just drop me an email (natashametzler at gmail dot com) And perhaps you will be in prayer for me as well?

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15 thoughts on “When Fear Stalks.

  1. I understand your fear, Natasha. Mine is similar, but I also fear success and change. What if the ministry I think He is calling me to, is really His plan? Can I handle it? (No, but God can!). Oh, to remember that. Praying for you, Friend.

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  2. This absolutely touched me Natasha! Beautifully shared and written… God has done such a transforming work in my life. And now when fear jumps up and out to the surface, threatening my joy and peace, I know who to claim and proclaim! Glory to God sister! ~ Blessings out from Maine, Amy

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  3. Amen. Always on the prowl, that insidious fear….I smell it’s rotten breath. I have also feared what you’ve described….and there’s one more; I fear that it’s too late.

    I’m 43 and God has just led me to and through the wilderness. I’m on the other side…waiting for the rains to come. And I’m afraid of what I want to do for him–I’m afraid it won’t happen and I’m afraid it will. I’m afraid of growing old and endlessly “milking my own cows” ; of letting the dust settle peacefully around my suitcases, when my heart wants to travel, disciple, speak, teach and write a path for others to travel on straight to Jesus. I think–there’s more to this hunger. I think you know this place Natasha. Please pray for me.

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  4. I too know fear. I have known fear in the past and healed and now face a different fear. But as I look back and see how God worked in the past – healing me and using it for my good – I trust Him in this new situation. However, having friends to pray for me through it is always a refreshment to a weary soul in battle.

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  5. Sweet girl … it doesn’t help that often, in the Old Testament, infertility was a judgement on a people. I wouldn’t even mention that if I didn’t know you already know it. And so it is so incredibly normal for our hearts to wonder why, what did we do, how did we become cursed? Know that you are not alone sweet Tasha! He hasn’t cursed you or abandoned you! Keep looking for His answers … perhaps His plan for you is adoption? Praying for you!

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  6. I remember meeting with my pastor during a time where fear was my shadow. I feared losing the precious baby that I was fostering. I was trapped in the knowledge that the little one I loved desperately was potentially going to be leaving. I feared that painful longing for a child would be my ever-present partner again. When I told my pastor that I was scared of being pushed past my limits and that I feared God was always setting me up to test me, he responded “God is the one who created you. He is the one who set your limits. He would never put you in a situation that would push you beyond the limits He created for you.” That brought great comfort for me. I don’t know if this comforts you or not, but thought I would share. It is so much easier to look back on life and “get it” than it is to look forward in faith. You are not alone. He is always with you in every measure of fear you are carrying. Bless you and thank you for sharing your heart.

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  7. Similar thoughts have crossed my mind like this : “I fear that God’s plan for me is somehow less than what I need.”
    But you’re right- the only thing we need is to bring glory to God with our lives. It doesn’t matter where I live, what I own etc… I don’t *need* anything but God. Yes, I have many many blessings in my life because of God and His goodness but they aren’t my everything. God is.
    *hugs* Praying for you and praying that God will give you as special gift soon!

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  8. Pingback: Pain, Fear, Loss

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