Today I am privileged to bring you a guest post by another dear blogger, Beth. She is sharing her story of infertility and God’s redemption. Be blessed.
I was 20 years old when I married Bert. He had been through a rough marriage and had full custody of 2 of the resulting 3 children. Dirk, 3, and Erica, 2, were with us full time from the time we said “I do.” I went from carefree college student to mommy of 2 in 2 words!
I always knew I wanted more children. Specifically children of “my own.” I was never able to adopt Dirk and Erica and I lived in fear that my husband would leave me, whether by choice or by death, and I would lose everything.
At some point in those early years, I was challenged to pray that God would not give me children that would not go to Heaven. I was a church-going-good-girl so I prayed that prayer. Whether or not my infertility was an answer … I won’t know this side of Heaven. The reality is that my heart was far from God. I was trying to earn my way to Heaven by following rules and checking lists.
We began fertility treatments after about 8 years. Our lives were ruled by calendars and temperature charts. I spent more time standing on my head than ever before or since! I was a regular at the Crisis Pregnancy Centers for their free pregnancy tests, which were always negative! I had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, and Insulin Resistance, and my menstrual cycles were not regular. So any time I went past 28 days … my hopes would be raised that maybe this time I was pregnant. The answer … even with fertility drugs … was always negative.
Shortly after my 30th birthday, I was caught in a spiral of suicidal depression. I had planned my way out except that somehow I knew God would say “I never knew you” and that Hell would be infinitely worse than life. Jesus came into that chaos and revealed Himself to my broken heart. I finally understood that I could not earn my way to Heaven by my obedience. He had paid my debt in full and the only way for me to get to Heaven was to accept that gift and trust Him.
As a new believer I felt a very strong call on my spirit to trust Him fully with our family planning. If He chose to give me just my 2 stepchildren I needed to accept that and be grateful! I threw away the basal thermometer, charts, and calendars. I quit taking fertility drugs and standing on my head. I earnestly prayed, “not my will but yours,” for the very first time.
Josiah was born 10 months later. He has been an incredible blessing and a great joy! He loves Jesus with his whole heart and I have no doubt that he will be in Heaven! In fact… given his desire to be a missionary in the Middle East, he may be there sooner than I would like! He was about 12 when he first announced that he thought it would be so awesome to be a martyr. The Lord is still using this one to teach me to trust His good plans.
Let me just add a few things before I close:
First … I have to confess, living in fear of loss for a full decade did great damage to my family. My stepchildren are now in their 30’s and on a crash course with destruction. I don’t believe that is “my fault” but I know that I failed to give them unconditional love and security in their early years and that has hurt them. God has forgiven me and I am trusting Him to work in their lives, in His perfect timing, to draw them to Himself, even as He did with me.
Second … I don’t believe that there is anything inherently wrong with fertility treatments. Ultimately God is always the author of life and if He wants to use modern medicine in your life … so be it! I just felt that I had made fertility an idol in my life and He asked me to lay it down. Your experience may be very different!
Third… After Josiah was born we thought our journey with infertility was over. It was not. We never used birth control and we never had another baby though there are two that were delivered straight from my womb to Jesus’ arms through miscarriage. We have now been married 33 years and are content with the family that God has given us.
It is my honor to support my sisters struggling with infertility. Please let me know if I can pray for you as you walk this path.
Author Bio: I’m a blogger, a writer, a weaver of words and teller of tales. I’m a transparent, imperfect, and forgiven, follower of Jesus. I aspire to be loving, warm, receptive, non-judgmental and real. I’m choosing daily gratefulness in a passionate pursuit of abundant joy! My desire is to grow in trust, to share my faith, and to encourage others towards a joyful and abundant life. I live in Tulsa, Oklahoma with my husband (33 years and counting), the youngest of our 4 children (a 23 y.o. who wants to hurry up and finish school so he can go “into all the world”) and a German Shepherd named Lucy.