Some days are easier than others. Some days I wake up and life is filled with sunshine and my husband is wonderful and my heart is content.
And then comes the day when the teenager is pregnant, the baby is being raised by a grandmother, and the mother who doesn’t want to be bothered aborts.
Those are the days when I pound my fists into my pillow, when I cry out the unending question into the dark red walls of my bedroom, “Why, God? Why does she get babies? Why?”
It’s agony. This screaming monster inside that claws to control my thoughts, my voice, my actions.
Why does the one who misuses your gift, get it? Why does the one who would treasure it, not? What part of that makes sense in your all-knowing mind? I can’t resist pointing. I can’t resist speaking into the shadow that seems to be consuming my heart. “What about her, God?”
And the phrase brings to mind another person who spoke similar words. His name was Peter. Rock. He was often short-tempered and rash. He probably spoke rapid-fire questions and wondered what was wrong with God’s all-knowing mind. Especially when Jesus told him about the death that would come to him. A death where Peter would stretch out his hands and be led where he did not want to go. And afterward, Peter saw another disciple—the one that Jesus loved— and he said, “Wait, what about him?”
And Jesus said, “What’s that to you? You must follow me.”
My heart slows. My questions stop. Jesus answered Peter that day, but he also answered me.
“Why does she get babies?” I asked.
“What’s that to you? You must follow me,” He answered.
I must get up, take up my cross, and serve Him. I must give glory and honor to God. What is it to me, who receives the gift of children? It is not my call, not my right, not my business.
Peter was the rock that God built His church upon. Peter, who died a criminal’s death, though innocent. Whose wife was martyred as well. Peter, who had to give up and give up and give up. When he pointed and questioned, Jesus answered him straight. What’s that to you? You follow Me.
And I’m the girl who loves God and wants to serve Him. And so far? I cannot bear a child. Nor have we been able to adopt. I’ve been asked to give up and give up and give up. And when I point and question, Jesus answers me straight. What’s that to you? You follow Me.
The answer echoes around me. It closes in and leaves me quiet and humble. It turns out that I’m not God and I don’t get to pick, and low and behold, it’s not even my business.
My business is simple: To follow Him.
And your question, friend? Jesus answers yours as well.
Why does she get a husband who actually works at their marriage? Why does she have a husband who is faithful? Why does she get a husband at all?
Why does she get a job that she loves? Why does she get to stay home? Why does she have extra spending money?
Why does she have extended family that helps her? Why does she have a mother who cares?
Why does she have good health? Why… Why…
“What’s that to you?” He says, “You follow Me.”
Natasha Metzler 
Wow. This is so powerful. Compelling Conviciting. Right what I needed to hear tonight.. Thank you for being obedient to the Holy Spirit in sharing this. Our call is to follow Him.
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Thank you, Kate, for taking time to comment. It is super encouraging to me, especially when I write something (like this post) that causes me to vulnerably share what’s going on in my heart.
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I can really relate. I ask lots of those questions. Often. Thanks for being brave to share, so we know we aren’t alone. xo
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What is your view (as a Godly person) about surrogacy?
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I think this subject, as any within the medical world of dealing with infertility, should be addressed with much prayer.
The Lord has clearly told me “no” about some things that He clearly told another “yes” about. It is not a blanket statement for all.
The first question is always “Why would I do this?” And I would always say to spend much time before the Lord– with your heart open– before attempting to answer that.
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Natasha, your perspective is important and will save you many bitter tears of anguish. After a long journey, I too began to see each loss, each apparent failure as a stepping stone in my own path leading me where He needs me to go. It is my path. Others may have a different path, what good does it do to long for where someone else is going ? I too heard His voice as He steered me away from certain fertility treatments, away from surrogacy, and towards obedience….which for me…meant miscarriage after miscarriage. I had to learn to listen to Him over all others who had all sorts of advice as to how things could or should be done. It was still my path and each stepping stone laid before me got me closer to where He wanted me to be. My last miscarriage was a ruptured eptopic and took the only ovary I had that worked. So after 10 pregnancy losses, it was “medically and physically impossible for me to carry a pregnancy to term”, had I not gotten to the place you are, this would have been beyond devastating – it was instead…. another stone. As that quiet still voice kept moving me down my path, I just acquiesced and kept takings steps. A year later I got pregnant and carried her to term, I thank God every day for the path He gave me- wrought with grief, suffering, pain, joy, gratitude, peace and endless love. My baby girl was worth it all. I didn’t know where my path would go, I still don’t -but we do have to let go of the “why hers” and the “why me’s” and follow the path He sets us on. I pray for everyone a joy-filled destination!
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I’m sorry for your struggle and I can not fully understand what you feel because my son was unplanned but there are still young mothers that love and raise their babies, like myself. My boy has heart disease & I couldn’t picture a life without him. I think you would be a wonderful mother. I hope life blesses you with such joy, even if it is adoption. I may not be a godly person but I pray for you to get a child one way or another.
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Thank you, dear. ❤
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This too is very powerful for me. I have 2 children and I was a surrogate to give another the gift of life she couldn’t provide herself. Now, my husband and I find ourselves trying to conceive time after time as I’ve been rejecting the fetus. I’ve found myself holding my feelings in as others constantly say, “you’ve had your children be happy you have that”, or “maybe God doesn’t think you need anymore” such horrible things To say. Especially when I feel I did gods will by giving ing another the gift of life. I keep my dark thoughts to myself and hope for some sort of guidance from him and only him. However this has brightened my day! Thanks for sharing♡
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I too ask these questions…..and still do not know the answers but I pray that God will make a way .
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Thanks for the challenge, Tasha… even though my heart physically ached at the title and the last line pierced my soul. As always, I could hear Jesus’ loving voice through your grace-filled insights and His words, although hard to accept, offer peace and healing. Blessings to you!!
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It is such a painful thing, isn’t it? I still ache at it as well– and yet, I am thankful for every moment of peace and every taste of healing. Thank you for the encouragement you’ve been to me. {hugs}
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You said exactly what my heart feels…so I think I just need to say “Ditto to throughmyFather’seyes” 🙂 Thanks for the challenging, convicting post. I will be revisiting it often. And honestly, I’m not yet to the maturity that you’ve reached (I’ve had more “let me move on with my life one way or the other” breakdowns and shaken my fist at God more lately than I care to mention), but I will be going back and reading this often as the reminder that I am in dire need of lately…”What’s that to you? You follow me.” Clearly I’ve got a ways to go…Lord, change my heart the way only You can…
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Beautifully written! Though my question may not be the same as yours the answer is the same. It’s so hard not to get caught in the “why me” or “why not me”‘s. Your view in life is beautiful and your insite is such a blessing to be ministered to through your posts. You’re in my prayers! I read multiple prophecies of this being a fruitful year and the year that the seeds that have been planted will begin to produce. I’m not sure how the last years have been for you but I have seen so much hardships, emotionally, spiritually, financially, physically etc. and I believe this will be a time of repair and healing!
Love you and all your posts though I don’t comment often 🙂
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Hmm… I have heard many prophecies about that as well. I AM excited about what God is doing! May it truly be a time of repair and healing and most of all? A time when God is glorified over all else.
Thank you so much for your sweet encouragement!
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Very open heart and mind. I lost my Victorya in 1995 and 3 others. I too thought about teens and how come those who I felt didn’t ‘deserve’ a baby. My pastors wife gave me a book called at the time “silent cradle”. I would recommend this book to all. My hurts took a long time to heal. The doctors told me I was a habitual aborter. That was beyond the worst part I went through. We named her Victorya because if she made it through, it was a victory. If she didn’t, she was in Jesus’ arms, also a victory. Sharing my heart with others has been healing for me. Thanks for this testimony! May God bless you more each day!
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What a great read! I’ve been there sobbing in my pillow asking Why? Why God, Why?! Especially on the days I hear the news of another kiddo murdered. It makes me nauseous and angry, but I have to trust in his sovereignty. Oh how He knows so much better than we do…
Thanks for writing this!!
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I’m so glad it blessed you!
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Oh, yes, I needed to read this. Thanks, dear!
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Love this girl! I wrote a post about this same topic (others having babies) and would ask why…but then I was convicted to stop asking why and start asking what. What are you doing during this time Lord while I wait. Great post tonight girl! Loved it!
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So good! It’s not for us to ask why, but to ask “What?” Yes, yes.
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Great post!! I’ve been struggling with the whys…..I needed to read this!!
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So glad it blessed you. {hugs}
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Amen!!! Thanks for the reminder!!!
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It is very hard to see others throw away and treat as worthless something that is so priceless to you. Or be so much younger than you when they are given what you so desire….. whatever happened with taking your place in line?! It isn’t fair, but God isn’t fair. He IS good though. I long for a husband, and it seems like such a wonderful desire. When all I want is to love and support a man and be a godly wife, it is hard (especially the older I get) to not have it come to fruition. I love how God has a way of shaking things up a bit by not giving us what we want and think we need when we want it so that we learn to love and follow Him, no matter what is going on around us. Thank you for this encouragement. Your posts on infertility so speak to me as a single woman because while the “what” that I desire is different, the lessons God is teaching you I can apply to my own life!
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Oh, Melea, I am so, so thankful that you have been blessed through my often-broken words. I think you’re right– God will often ask us to give up the thing we want most, to be changed in the ways we need most.
May you feel His presence today. {hugs}
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So wish I could just give you a hug through this and look into your eyes and tell you that I know. That one answer – what’s that to you seems so out of character, but it truly isn’t. It also isn’t true that there are a limited number of blessings and that when one is given to another that means one less is available to me. Crying is okay, we need to let it out. Thank you for being the example of continuing to follow after the exhaustion of the tears. Thanks for being brave and saying what s many have felt, but never put into words for others to read or hear.
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Amy– thank you so much for your sweet encouragement! I treasure it. {hugs}
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Your posts are always a blessing with their timing. Thank you!
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I’m so glad, Katie!
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Man… I feel like I’m late to an important function…
This was beautifully poignant, Natasha. Where would we be without Scripture and the Holy Spirit to help us through the hard times?
I love you. ((Big hugs))
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Ha ha!! It’s okay, Jessiqua– I was totally late to the party as well! Merrily cleaning up my little house, oblivious to all the happenings in bloggy world.
Well, that’s actually not true. Half of the time I was merrily cleaning– the other half, I was totally devouring A Memoir of Mercy!! I’m really, really loving it.
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Oh! I’m so happy you’re enjoying it! Have I mentioned how much I LOVE that book? *big, sparkly grin*
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Thank you so much for this. I need it continuously.
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I am a birth mother who at 18 found myself pregnant after using many firms if birth control. the Lord knew a plan for that child. I now suffer from secondary fertility problems. I have 2 boys, 1 adopted and 1 biological, and 7 babies in heaven. I have asked myself those sane questions over and over. why would I get pregnant only to place, and then have the reverse trial as well. thank you for the reminder that I’m not alone.
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Beautiful. Thank you for sharing your heart with people you don’t know to remind us that we aren’t alone. Those days of sunshine and contentment are a definite relief, but those other days certainly know how to pack a punch that can send us reeling. It is my prayer that God would help me to follow Him, no matter the circumstances. Praying for you! 💜💜
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I feel you! I think that all the time and I hate myself for it. I thought it would go away once I got pregnant, but it hasn’t. I suppose there is a reason for everything. Hugs!
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Being a birth mother, I can say, that God will bless your family. God will use you in so many ways, He will use one of those teen mothers and give you a child. I understand your frustrations, My questions are always, “Why can’t I be like that?” “Why couldn’t I provide the way I want to?” Why can’t I be the mother I know I can be”. And this answered my questions.
He has a plan, beautiful lady. His plan is never small and UN-emaculate. It’s quite the opposite. I’ll be praying for you, and thinking of your family and you.
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This ministered to me deep in my soul. I struggled with infertility for 8 years before the LORD allowed us to conceive through fertility treatments. Now He has allowed us to conceive naturally. I experienced so much growth during this time that in a way I feel sorry for those who conceive easily.. 🙂 but you reminded me of scripture and that we all must carry our own cross daily and follow Him- and that looks different for each of us. My cross looks different now but these truths apply the same way!
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Thank you for being vulnerable and the challenge. This was something I needed to hear today which backed up everything the Lord has been impressing on my heart over the past several days.
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Thank you – I cried on my pillow with my husband last night asking a similar question. It is a hard season when you don’t get what you want most. And knowing the Lord could give it to you, but has chosen not to. He has given me this verse this year – Psalm 27:14 Wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart, and wait for the Lord.
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Thank you – I was crying on my pillow last night having a similar conversation with my husband. How it hurts deep down in your core when you aren’t given the one thing you so desperately desire. The Lord has given me the verse Psalm 27:14 this year – Wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. For what? I’m not sure yet. For how long? I don’t know that either. But that is the adventure of following Jesus!
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thankyou for this. its very timely and helpful. my road has been different from yours but also painful. im happily married and a Christian but I longed to never have children. for many, many reasons. i married late and my husband knew my desires in this area as soon as he met me. i prayed and longed to be barren. yet God allowed me to get pregnant which was the biggest and hardest shock of my life. and it has been a very difficult pregnancy. i feel like i have lost all control over my body, my emotions and even partly my mind and my ‘togetherness’. the hardest thing, though, is that i have never felt so alone, as in the Christian communities i belong to it seems it is not acceptable to find the path of having children difficult or painful. my world and my future working life turned upside down in the space of one day and yet all i have heard is judgement that im not happier.
your article really helped. i have been learning to accept the sovereignty of God in a very real way since all this happened, and now i will hope to remember also the phrase ‘what is that to you? you follow me’, as i try to stop listening to others and just listen to that still, small voice who does ask some very hard things of all of us. what is incredible painful for one person may seem like a joy to someone else, and so we cannot ever look at others and judge. but through it all God works His character in each of us….eventually:-)
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Thank you so much for sharing your journey! It reminded me of a post by a friend of mine that I want to share with you. I pray this will minister to you. {hugs} http://fiveintow.com/2013/01/21/100-beautiful-days-of-motherhood-faith-12/
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You are incredible,I can’t even begin to imagine the heart ache this brings and yet you still choose him….wow.
Hope I’m not too forward but there is this really small old book called supernatural child birth. Written by a Christian who lived your story and her journey until it all changed …,.really recommend it and its so short and easy to read…could be just what you need 🙂
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This was beautiful, and I’ve seen many of my friends sharing it on facebook. I hope it goes viral, because it’s a wonderful message we all need to be reminded of. God bless you.
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Wow! Thank you so much for sharing this! A friend of mine shared this on Facebook and I’m so thankful. I cannot tell you how many days I have buried my face in my pillow and screamed. I have shaken my fist and railed against God…..the same God who blesses me every day, in big ways and small…..I struggle to reconcile my anger and frustration with the joys and blessings I experience from the very same God. I try to remind myself that even though they have a baby it doesn’t mean they have everything they desire, or that their journey is an easy one. Thank you for reminding me that I don’t need to concern myself with what everyone else has, but focus on following God and my relationship with Him.
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That is beautiful. I have asked that question about many things, and God’s answer has been the same: You live the life I have given YOU. Do the work I have given YOU. Thank you.
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0ver 20 years ago, going thru infertility.. I asked God why and lived in the “what if” world.. I wasted so much time and energy till I learned to give it up. God, IN HIS TIME, gave me two beautiful children.
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Thank you for writing this. It is very much what I needed to read today. I’ve been feeling sorry for myself all day, thinking about how this is not where I thought I would be at this point in life, and wondering why everyone else is getting what I want so desperately. Thank you for the reminder that it’s not up to me to question why, but to follow. God has a reason for not giving us children, even if I don’t know it and I need to trust Him. So thank you.
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A friend shared this with me tonight. Thank you for sharing your heart. I’ve been struggling a LOT as I have two babies in heaven and can’t carry them. My health is too poor that they can’t survive. Really wanting that hole in my heart filled. I needed to hear this encouragement. Thanks again
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Thank you for sharing-this is just what I needed to hear as well. Struggling with infertility also. Such a difficult journey. Thanks for letting God speak through you.
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I love this. And I hate it. I am 40 years old and a mother of three but I was in your shoes for many years. When my husband and I got married 20 years ago we decided we would wait two years and then have our first child. Silly us, telling God our plans. 13 years, several fertility specialists, too much money spent and many negative test sticks later we adopted a beautiful little baby girl. Eleven months later I gave birth to a beautiful surprise baby boy and two months ago, at 40 years old, I gave birth to a beautiful surprise baby girl who happens to have an extra chromosome! 🙂 God has his own plan and it is often very different from ours.
I am no longer in your season but I have been there and will NEVER forget it. I know the longing. I have cried many nights in my living room floor. The best thing I ever heard (Beth Moore, maybe?) was Faith Is Knowing God Can, Whether Or Not He Does. That sentence and Habbakkuk 3:17-19 helped me tremendously.
And you’re right. If it isn’t infertility, it’s something else. Another “Why does SHE…?” will come along. I have no idea who you are. In fact, I have never seen this blog until tonight (a friend on facebook shared this) but I would love to hug you tight.
May God grant you peace in the waiting.
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Thank you so much for this post. It really hit home to me. My dad passed in September after a five year battle from cancer. He would always tell me that God was going to heal him. I also believed it because he once healed me of an ulcer. We believed until his last breath and for the last 5 months I have been asking why? Daddy believed you would why wouldnt you. Then I seen this post and It was clear to me. God could have healed Daddy. Daddy knew he could and would. But he also knew that either way he was ok. He would tell my Grandmother He was a winner either way. If God healed him he was a winner if he didnt he was to cause he was going home to him. what mattered was my Daddy had the faith that God would. Thank you for sharing.
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I remember that question all to well. I asked it many times over 7 years. And then one month, I was humbled by His grace and mercy in my life as I saw two lines and 9 months later we welcomed our daughter into the world. So many tears were shed in my pillow during that waiting. So many questions. I’ll never have the answers, but that’s okay because He just wants our obedience. Thanks for sharing your heart!
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You are brilliant and beautiful- thank you, thank you, thank you!
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Wow. Thank you for this blog. I’m the girl that asks many of these same questions and I see the bitterness that springs up when I do. And when I have my eyes on Jesus, somehow, even in the unanswered prayers and unfulfilled longings, He can give me peace.
Many of my blogs – reflectinghisradiance.wordpress.com have come out of learning to follow Jesus even in the midst of hurt. Good to know we’re not alone.
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I’ve definately been there, thirty three and completely single, hearing selfish women talk about their impending marriage or bitter, domineering wives rave about the “awful” husband and children they have. It is hard not to envy. I wonder “haven’t i earned my happiness yet?” Thank you for the reminder if His sovereign wisdom. He has a purpose for it all doesn’t He?
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Amanda, I hear you!! I’m still single at 53 and keep thinking :)”Hey wait! I didn’t agree to this!?” It is so hard when all of the advice, teachings, support, etc, seems to be directed at the people who, in my view, have already been blessed beyond MY imagination. Thanks for posting
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Thank you for your vulnerability! God will use this post to minister to many hearts!
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I have always asked “when is it my turn?” And then I hear His voice saying “when you need it.” This story has made me open my eyes wider. Thank you for the wonderful message!!
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Wow!! Amazing post!! Puts things in perspective..
Love from across the world in Dubai!!
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Wow amazing article. Its all true. I’m blessed to have our daughter. But we are struggeling to have our 2nd and our daughter is 4. I ask why a lot. This hit home.
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Wow. I could have written this myself….seriously…almost to a “T”! But I didn’t because sometimes it is just too hard to put into words. Even if you have great friends and a support system, it is difficult for people to realize what you’re feeling unless they have experienced the same thing.God has blessed me with an amazing husband. We both agree that we already have more than we deserve and shouldn’t be upset or questioning why we can’t have a baby and why our adoptions are falling through. God has already blessed us once with each other, and we leave it up to him whether or not we are blessed with a little one! I really enjoyed reading this and plan to share!
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This is a terrific post! Very lovely and poignant, and I admire your faithfulness while you endure your suffering.
I hope you don’t mind if I mention something, though. In the article regarding Peter’s wife that you linked to, it says the following: ” Although the Roman Catholic Church, falsely claiming Peter as its first pope, would like to discredit the fact that the Apostle had a wife…”
As a faithful Catholic, I’d like to mention to you and your readers that this assertion is, in fact, blatantly false. While the Catholic Church does (correctly, in my opinion) claim Peter as our first Pope, the Church has NEVER denied or attempted to “discredit” the fact that Peter had a wife. The Church fully acknowledges that Peter was indeed married at one time, but was likely widowed at some point given that his mother-in-law and not his wife took care of his household.
Priestly celibacy is a discipline, not a doctrine of the Church, and in fact there are many married priests (some with children) in both the Eastern Catholic Churches and the Roman Catholic Church. One of the priests in my diocese is married with six kids! (He is a former Anglican pastor who converted to Catholicism, and was ordained via the pastoral provision instituted by JPII.)
Anyway, a bit off topic, but that blatant falsehood really bothered me when I clicked over to read the link.
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Oh, JoAnna, I’m sorry for not reading that link carefully. I have no qualms with the Catholic Church on this issue, nor any opinions. I was simply looking for a concise explanation about Peter and his wife and how they died. Again, my apologizes for that! Thank you so much for stopping by and reading my post. {hugs}
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Thank you for your transparency! This was a very refreshing post.
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This is absolutely beautiful, thank you for having the courage to post it!
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This is beautiful, thank you for having the courage to share it.
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(So beautiful, it required 2 comments 😉 )
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Ha. 🙂 Thank you!!
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My son and his wife are having this same problem! Thank you, Thank you, Thank you! I needed this! My God bless you always!
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May the Lord give you grace to love them well through this season. {hugs}
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Words fail to express the impact of this on me. This is so very deep and profound, yet so very simple (isn’t that just like God?) Hundreds of situations fly through my memory and all with the same answer, “What’s that to you? You follow me.” Thank you for sharing these words of wisdom, comfort, instruction, and direction.
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You’re right. It is SO like God. I think we, as humans, tend to try and make things complex, when really they are simple. (Not easy! my, no. But simple.) How thankful I am that He continues to lead and guide us with loving patience.
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Thank you so much for this post. I have the exact same question almost every day. I am a teacher and I see how awful parents can be, how they misuse the wonderful gift of parenthood as my husband and I have struggled for years to become parents. This post has touched my heart, thank you again!!
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I’m so glad, Melissa. And how wonderful that you are able to be an influence in so many children’s lives through teaching! I shared a little bit about my journey to recognizing my calling (how I “follow” Christ) when it comes to loving and caring for other people’s children in a post here: http://natashametzler.com/2013/05/31/when-loving-hurts/ Perhaps it will bless you too?
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So much truth. Thank you for your beautiful, beautiful testimony, friend.
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What a heart felt blog! My husband and I have struggled with infertility for the 23 years that we have been married. I remember those days checking to see if this was the month and end up sitting on the bathroom floor crying my eyes out. We were never blessed with our own child but we have a lot of “kids” that we have been a part of their lives thru church. At 50 years old you would think that I would know what God is trying to tell me. But your blog hit me right between the eyes. I have a wonderful husband, family and friends. The hurt is still there and will always be but I am truly blessed. Thank you for being so transparent and God bless you!
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Thank you, so much. I, too, have many “kids” who are precious treasures to me. And my job, “my business” (per say) is to follow Jesus, which includes loving and caring for the children that ARE in my life. I am so thankful this post blessed you!
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Wow, this is beautiful and so inspiring. I’m not sure I can say I’m there yet, but I know its where God wants me to be. Thank you for sharing your story.
xoxo
Sarah http://www.onabutterflyswings.com
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Your essay is well-said and heart felt. You really got to the heart of the matter – for all of us in every kind of circumstance. There is no one experiencing any kind of pain that this doesn’t apply to. My daughter, Paige, was one of those teenagers who did get pregnant at 18 years old and I asked why her? Why us? (The flip side of the coin of what you live with) It was a difficult time for our family and for her in particular (she chose adoption for her son and sacrificed her heart to give him a better life). But my questions were why are there so many young people sleeping around and she “got caught”. Shortly after his birth, Paige joined the Air Force and tried to pick up the pieces of her broken heart. Almost a year later she died while serving……I still ask “Why does she get to have her daughter and I don’t?” I may get that answer someday on this earth or I may have to wait until Heaven but I have the answer to the question “why did she get caught and get pregnant” – we have a piece of our angel still with us here, a reminder of her beauty and her life. God knew what we would need long before we knew we would need it.
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Good blog, we all have questions as to why me in life. I am raising 3 grand kids that are babies (1,2,&3) and when I took custody of them, my husband walked out on me on Valentines Day. So I asked – why me everyday for 6 months, and cried and begged God. There are things in life we will never understand, but must trust God that he knows what he is doing…
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After nearly 14 years my wife often asks the same question. Great article
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This is beautifully expressed. Thanks for sharing. I have some friends with whom I am going to share this.
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A friend of mine sent this to on Facebook… with just reading this small portion of the book, I was so moved. You have put into words what I’ve been going through and feeling for years… the anger, the disappointment and wondering why “every” woman that I know has children but us!! I just downloaded your book on my Kindle and I’m looking forward to reading more and not feeling so alone in all this!! Thank you so much for having the courage to write this! Blessings to you and yours!
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This rang so true to me. I have walked this very road. Eventually, we were able to adopt, but it was a LOOOOOONG 10 year trek through the desert, with infertility and funerals for still born children. And through all my tears and anger and fist shaking, God held me close. And continues to. You may never realize how many people you have touched with this. Thank you so much for so beautifully speaking what so many of our hearts have felt!! God bless you!!
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Tears!! So Humbling!! LOVE LOVE LOOOOVE. Im a hospice aide and as i was reading this God whispered to me, “you serve my children on their way home to me” WOW!! That is so much of a honor, maybe more than motherhood or at least at this point in my life. Thank you for this!! God Bless!!
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One of the best articles on infertility I have ever read. You hit the nail on the head. We have all asked that question. I needed this right now. So much. So thankful their are people who want to share their stories. I downloaded your book too!
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Thank you I have been able to bear one child only and she is the blessing of my life but I have often asked the very same questions about having sisters or brothers for her and I love that God says it’s not any of my business, and I have had the blessing of being one of the fortunate but more was not for you. She is so much more than I ever could’ve asked for and I wonder how that could be knowing how the sin in my life has shadowed me for years and years, and yet I see her shine and be a light that he calls us to. It’s because I am free and she shows me how to be. What a beautiful blessing this word was tonight, thank you for sharing!
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This was amazing, thank you so so so much! I got into a discussion with someone at my new job today about why God allows suffering, this post reminded me of our discussion. After 4.5 years of intfertility and being unable to adopt as well, I can relate. thank you.
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Thank you very much. This was a great post to read. So beautiful, and convicting! After 4.5 years of trying to conceive and being unable to adopt, I can relate. Well said.
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I was 19 years old when endometriosis ans scar tissue took away the opportunity for me to have to one thing I wanted more than anything else in the world. 10 years later, I still find myself asking “why h” or “why them”. Thankfully, it gets a little, tiny bit easier as time goes by, but there will always be a hole in my heart where MY children should be. Thank you for sharing this story with us. It’s comforting to know that I’m not the only one who feels this frustration and heartbreak. Bless you all.
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Our lord and savior Jesus Christ that we serve truly knows what we stand in need of …. I prayed at church tonight for God to give me a sign as what to do ….. The road of infertility is absolutely terrible for a female to endure. I have now endured 5 1/2 years of tests, surgeries, and fertility drugs all to end in heartache …. How I relate to these women waiting for the right time of the month to test and end up crying on the bathroom floor . I know God has a plan for my husband and I …. But the why me lord question has been on my mind more now than ever ….. But as I prayed tonight feeling so down and just plain discussed at the money we have spent and have nothing to show for it .. God always gives me peace , grace, and his sweet mercy to help me through these times . As I am sure all of these ladies would agree some months are harder than others to deal . This month is a tough one …. But God gave u this to help us ! Thank God ! I will follow him and his plan for me ! May God bless u sweet lady !!! Thank u!
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Thank u again
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God is so amazing! The timing on this post is perfect as we are struggling with why God…although in a different way as we are walking a dark road with some very dear friends who have just lost their 12 year old. The funeral is this Friday! God is so good. Thank you for your honesty and insight to God
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Thank you so much for sharing! This is so Holy Spirit guiding you to share because I am going through the same struggle, my husband and I have been trying for over 3 years and I have beat myself up trying many different non medical options and nothing working. I have finally got two scriptures given to me psalm 113:9 He gives childless couples a family, gives them joy as the parents of children and Isaiah 54:1 O sing barren women who has never had a baby. Fill the air with song you who’ve never experiment childbirth! I have great peace
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Continued… In knowing when will happen and in God’s time not my own. His plan is perfect! I have gotten a prophecy that my womb has been healed and decreed in 9 months it will happen:) I keep believing on God’s word and promises and visualize myself as a mother making it reality! Words are so powerful we must speak positive over ourselves! Thank you again I needed to hear this incredible story! Blessing to you in this journey, hope to hear good news soon! I have heard so much for the coming of 2014 of new beginnings and changes! So happy !
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I can appreciate this post very much. My husband and I struggled with infertility for almost three years until I became pregnant after our second round of IVF. I remember all the why and why not questions like they were yesterday. I always found comfort in knowing that those women, the ungrateful ones, the teenage ones, the mean ones, had not taken from me what God had in store for me. They had not broken line and stolen what was meant to be mine, but rather God had saved my daughter’s precious soul for me and my husband. I now have a beautiful 15 month old daughter and wish I had known about your blog while I was going through my infertility struggle.
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Yesterday at the Dr. I received the news that I was still cancer free – Praise the Lord…yet the unwelcome words, we really don’t want you trying to conceive for another year! My heart was longing for a baby before I got the cancer but at the time my husband and I were serving in China. Then I fell ill with Leukemia. After an eight month battle I beat that but now have to wait, wait, and wait some more before we can even try to conceive….I may not even be able to get pregnant because of the chemo. I’m 26. Almost every friend I have is pregnant with her 1st, 2nd or 3rd baby. And i’m left in the dust. Some days are sooo hard. I hate fb for all the cute baby pics and gender reveal parties. People complain about their kids and I want to scream at them. The cancer was tough, but honestly know where near as tough as this journey is. I claimed Phil. 4:11 early on – to be content, he says “I have learned” and some days I am still learning. Thanks for your words
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I struggle often with the pain I see in the world around children. There have been many times I ask that same question. Or yell, “just give the child to me.” Prayers for you and your husband.
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wow thank you!
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This is just what I needed!! My body let me down and I went into early labor and lost my daughter, I feel like I let her down and lost her and my chance at motherhood all at once! It’s been 1 year and I still think about it as if it were yesterday, I ask my self these same questions many times a day ! Thanks so much for sharing this story people like me need it!
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The only thing I ever wanted was to be a mom. After I got pregnant with my first child I miscarried. The most devastating thing I have ever experienced. I then became unable to conceive. I cried and prayed and asked God why so many times. I prayed so specifically to God for a baby girl with beautiful blue eyes, who would be tall and smart. I wanted her to arrive around the 1st of October. 2 1/2 years later I saw those 2 lines I longed for. 9 months later on September 20 he put her in my arms and she was all the things I prayed for and more! I thank God for her everyday. Please never give up. Our timing and Gods timing are so different. Keep praying! He hears you!
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Pingback: But Why Does She Get Babies? | Natasha Metzler | ChildBirth 101
This really spoke to me. My son has autism and I ask all the time why can other kids do things he can’t…why do we have this path…and you are exactly right. We just have to follow Him. He has a specific plan for us, for my son. I actually put this on my phone as a reminder. Thank you so much for sharing your story. It can speak to people in more ways than you will ever know! Praying for you and your husband!
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Wow. This is truly what I needed to hear. To bring me back to reality. I used to say that all the time “wow how come she gets 3 kids and I fight to have only one?!?!” Or “goodness she doesnt even raise the other she has so how come she gets blessed with having another” I had to also see the same thing. Why not. It is not for.me to judge who is unworthy, and my job is tp follow him thru this walk of life. Thank you for sharing this was truly my blessing this morning. Especially when im going thru health issues as we speak due to my infertility issue. You have been my blessing today
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Thanks for the reminder of what is important. I’m a 59 year old virgin because of my Christian beliefs… and even though I chose to follow Christ, sometimes the unfairness of it gets in the way. it’s too late for me to be a mother but I still pray to be a wife
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I stumbled upon this out of the blue. After reading it I realized it was meant for me. Not in the topic of childbirth but in so many other areas. Far too often I can compare myself, my family, my income, and loose focus on my calling. My simple calling is to follow him.
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Ive asked these same questions too and you are right. Would it feel any more fair if the people who ‘deserved’ got why they wished for? IfGod doled out gifts for the good and tricks for the ‘bad’? That isn’t cross-fairness at all, and I find great peace in His sovereignty allowing such beautiful gifts bless lives in ways I can’t understand.
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Natasha, what a wonderful insight God has given you! And by your sharing, a good reminder to all of us. As a nurse on a Labor and Delivery unit, I have asked God those questions. Sometimes in walking through the pain of loss after loss with families. I’ve asked “God, why do you give perfect, healthy babies to people who don’t even, seemingly, want/cherish/deserve them; while people who try the hardest, and do everything “right” end up with loss? When they come so close “this time”, only to have another loss?” And these are all strangers to me, not even people that I personally know.
I don’t have the answers to these questions, except that: “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12: 9 and 10.
Thank you for the reminder that its not up to us to judge, or even question, only to follow God for ourselves.
God bless you, may He give you the desires of your heart!
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This is amazing. Thank you. I have struggled with the same thing in the past….and learned that serving the Lord is a better idea than just hanging around feeling angry and sorry for myself. I hope you don’t mind me sharing it with my support group?
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Not at all, Katie! Share away. I am so thankful it is blessing people. ❤
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Thank you for sharing!!! Definitely something I needed to hear. Need to trust in Gods plan and ask what not why. So hard in the pain but focusing on Him will grt me through this time. I have kids however I just had miscarriage 😦 A baby that I prayed for over a year and now empty inside. Easy to ask why and get angry. Thank you again for the reminder of what.
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You have such a beautiful heart. This can apply to anyone at anytime. A VERY beautiful and powerful thing. I always think about toddlers who are just becoming aware of the world and they know there is more out there, but they are unable to attain it. They get in the car, get buckled in, they see the world pass by but never get to stop and explore until they are at their destination – a destination their parents chose because it was where they needed to go. It is where they would be safe. And sometimes that destinations makes them happy, and sometimes it makes the sad, and sometimes, it just doesn’t matter because they can make the best of it. God knows where we need to be for our safety and well-being. We don’t always get a say in the route our journey takes us, but when we Trust our Father in Heaven, we know we will be safe when we get there.
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What a great outlook and so helpful to my soyl! When dealing with my infertility I found the book “Hannah’s Hope” by Jennifer Saake very helpful. It talks about Hannah in the bible dealing with infertility and how God blessed her and lead her and for me was such an encourage and help.
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I’ve read that book, and passed it on to others. It’s a great resource!
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Thank you for this! Often I’ve doubted my faith & have felt really angry in the past that maybe motherhood is just not meant to be for me. Your post has helped me understand that there is a reason for my struggle & that my faith is the best way to get through this journey.
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Thank you. I needed this more than you could know.
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Hey Natasha Metzler! Have you read the book, “Supernatural Childbirth by Jackie Mize”? I highly recommend it!
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I don’t think I have. I will look into it!
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Oh my goodness! It’s a must! It’s filled with so must scripture about how every woman in the Bible that wanted a baby – gave birth to a baby! How God wants you to have a baby to claim to God’s promises!! Oh, please oh please, read the book! God will rock your world and open your eyes!
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I have never met you, Natasha, but I know you are my sister. Thank you for sharing as a sister to so many hurting hearts. Your openness to The Lord and to those He asked you to minister to is a fragrant offering to our Lord. Bless you, dear sister. “For we walk by faith, not by sight”.
II Corinthians 5:7
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Thank you! What a beautiful verse to carry as a reminder. It is all by faith. Blessings, friend!
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Thank you for sharing! Very convicting! We are in the process of adopting our third child, and yet, as I know I’m called to trust the Lord, at times, I still have those questions, that hurt. I am so thankful and we are so blessed and desire to never be discontent with how we have been blessed, yet, I am still human and some months more than others, I still ache to give birth to a child.
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That is part of it all, isn’t it? The fact that the simplicity of what God calls us to does not actually take away the depth of pain and the plain-old hardness of it.
But He is faithful, even when we are not. (What a glorious promise!)
Thank you so much for stopping by and commenting. Sharing our journey with each other in community is part of what brings hope– so thank you for bring hope into my life! {hugs}
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Oh my…where to start. I think I may need to get your book for me to read. I have already started a book, but this one may be something I need to read, too.
There are so many things that are going on in my life right now and “infertility” is on that list. There are reasons for me…PCOS and other things :S I have had these thoughts “why her and not me?” I’ve had the thoughts of “did I sin? Does this mean I’m not blessed because you know..people who have children are blessed. Does this mean my relationship with my husband is unhealthy? You know…children are a sign of a healthy marriage…” oh I’ve asked them all. I’ve thought and thought until all I have left is a tear-stained face and a broken heart.
It will be 10 years of marriage for my husband and I in July. I have realized over the years that a family isn’t when children arrive, but when we married. On that day in July, we created a new family. No matter if we add children or not, we are STILL a family! 🙂
And I don’t know where God will take us. Will we have biological children? Will we adopt? I don’t know, but I do know one thing I wait. As I wait, I worship and look to God. It isn’t easy, but I continue on this path.
Thank you for being vulnerable and for listening to the voice of God. May He continue to shine His light through you!
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Oh, I am so thankful that you stopped by and left this beautiful comment. It encompasses so much of what I’ve felt through the years as well. It’s so wonderful to know that we are not all alone– there are others (many others!) who are walking this same path. It’s not us versus the world, per say. 🙂
I pray that God’s presence will fill your life, leaving you in awe of His grace. xxooxx
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To My Sister,
I was that girl that you asked Jesus why…I was a lady that has abortions I was that lady that had kids while I was getting loaded but then I was a lady Jesus found at the well!! I was thirsty and He have me water!! I was lost and she found me I was that and now I am a daughter of the King I am loved and cherished I have been Redeemed!! I use to ask the same questions when I got sober and met Jesus..why ehy why it was the hardest thing for me to forgive about myself!! I am do sorry for your pain I am do sorry for that heart ache and I am sorry that I use to be that mommy!! I can’t ever know your pain I just know your Jesus!! Thank you for your heart and honesty!! Father in heaven I ask that your Joy rains upon my sister and Your cloud of Glory encamps around her!!
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What a beautiful testimony of God’s wonderful grace. We are ALL in need of it, aren’t we? Thank you for visiting and commenting, friend.
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The infertility road is so hard to walk. Thank you for sharing your life and thoughts. Such a beautiful story and an amazing reminder of how we are to live. It is so hard to remember when in the midst of such pain. Miscarriage and infertility are so painful to a woman’s heart. Thankfully God knows best how to comfort and carry us! Blessings to you!
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Very well written. I wish I could find comfort in this, I really do. I’m hurting too much to find comfort in anything. I hope it helps someone.
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Looking back on my struggle with infertility, 8 years of trying and failing to conceive, 8 years of asking that very same question…I feel it today just as if I was living it then. Eventually I accepted that I would not be a mommy (my husband was unwilling to adopt). Eventually I stopped asking why. A time came when I truly was able to let go of my resentment towards others I felt were less deserving of being a mother than I. It wasn’t a conscious decision. It wasn’t an over night acceptance. I just made plans for my life that no longer centered around trying to have a family. Then God said, “Yes.” Only after I stopped telling God how I thought it should be. Looking back now, His plan had nothing to do with my plans. His promise to me now: I don’t have to choose the path I walk, He always shows me the path. I just have to be willing to walk the path He shows me even if the other options would be easier. I am faithful.
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I’m so glad your parents mentioned this post on facebook, otherwise I may not have had the privilege of reading it. While I don’t ask the same whys as you, I certainly have had my share. In a recent funeral sermon of a cousin, given by his brother, he stated that we don’t live on the whys, we live on the promises. Sometimes the promises is all we have. Thanks for sharing your struggles and exposing your pain for the benefit of others. I pray the Lord gives you the desires of your heart.
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Oh, what a beautiful way of saying it! We do, indeed, live on the promises.
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Have you and your husband considered surrogacy? It’s a shame we’re located so far apart… I would be honored to be a surrogate for such a wonderful Christian family!
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Oh, Katie- that is so, so sweet of you! We have looked into some options, but we haven’t done much on that side of things. I do have a sister-in-law who has offered, so there is an option if we decide to pursue it further. Still, this comment just made my day. 🙂 Thank you.
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oh the glory shared here, friend…oh mylanta.
I read the Psalms and see David shaking his fists often and think…we’re not in such bad company, are we. If God can consider him one of His *favorites*…maybe He won’t look away as I yell and scream and ask why for the thousandth time…
still I will follow…
and you, dear Natasha…much love and hugs to you. thank you for showing us glimpses of Him as you abide.
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I was blessed with two beautiful children. The first, my son,was born when I was 15 years old. Eighteen months later I was blessed with a daughter. We grew up together, just me and them. I married but it was short lived. When my son was 33, he had found the woman of his dreams, and three weeks from his wedding day, he died. I am most grateful for the wonderful years. But why did my child have to die, Lord. Why my child? I love my children. He was the best. He was the self proclaimed favorite of the family.. Kind and generous to a fault. There are sons out there doing all sorts of evil, they live and do more evil. I do not wish this pain on any mother, no matter what. But why did my good son have to die. It’s been eight years. I still cry, why did my son have to die. I try to understand that it was not my call. But I still wonder, I still cry.
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There are so many questions, aren’t there? So much sorrow that crests and falls throughout life. One of the most beautiful realizations of my life, which I share in my book, was when I realized that God feels all the sorrow and hurt that I feel. He knows. More than anyone else, He knows. I pray that you feel God’s peace and love in the days to come.
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Pingback: Broken baby maker…… | Fancy Pants Revolution
The mother “who doesn’t want to be bothered” is more often a mother who is scared or in dangerous circumstances or forced to choose between people in her life at the moment and a baby she may desperately want but not know how she could possibly raise completely alone if her family pushes her away. She also sometimes goes on to start another family and build a better life with children that otherwise might not have been possible while missing that first baby forever. Abortion sucks. When you feel like it’s your best option it’s usually because your life sucks more.
Good luck in your journey. I hope you get everything you want in life 🙂
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I’m sorry if the wording of that sentence felt harsh. I actually struggled with how to state it because I have seen, very personally, the other side of the coin. I’ve worked with and counseled many women who are trapped, often against their desires, in a place where every option feels like some kind of death. I wasn’t trying to make a statement about the women in that position, but rather share what the heartache feels from the other side, where there are women who would gladly walk into any kind of mess, just to have the chance to raise a child.
The difficult part of a blog post is that there is no way to look at a situation from every angle– you just have to pick one and stick with it. But trust that just because I wrote from this side, doesn’t mean that I don’t have a level of understanding from the other. In fact, I have a firm belief that all types of pain brings us to equal ground– so, I can freely cry with the woman who aborted a baby because that felt like her only choice, and she can cry with me for the babies I’ve never conceived. And in Christ? We have community. We are equal. All dependent on Him and His grace.
Because in the end? It’s not at all about what I want, or what she wants. It’s about bringing glory to God.
Thank you so much for stopping in and commenting! Many blessings!
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I don’t have time to read all of the posts but I want to say I didn’t abort my baby soon to be 44 years ago. NEVER was there any thought of abortion. The babies father and I married….He trusted Christ a few years later, then I did…….all these years later all four of our children trusted Christ and now many of our 12 grandchildren have done the same. Just remember God uses that situation for His good……we just don’t know about them! Jeremiah 29:11
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Oh, Val– what a beautiful testimony! Thank you so much for sharing it. I pray that the Lord continues to work through you and your family.
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This is so good. Oh my goodness, I am just crying reading this. Praying for you. Even in simple things I find myself totally not content. And I get jealous of other people who have more money, a nicer house, a nicer car, etc. and I think, “why do they get to have that?” But like you said, “What’s it to me?” I just need to follow him. I am continuing to pray for you!
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Thank you, Ali! {hugs}
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Reblogged this on .
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I can’t begin to express how your piece has touched me. It’s been 14 years now for me and my husband. No babies!! Had tests done and both of us are healthy. The doctors can’t explain why. So here I sit wondering the same thing as you…….why??? Why her Lord!! Why not me!?!? How I love what you wrote…….”what’s that to you? You must follow Me!” It’s so true and I’ve been convicted of that lately but didn’t want to grasped it. Now reading this………thank you so much. I use to think the only way to serve God was being a wife and mother. So here I am a wife but not mother. Where do I go from here?? “What’s that to me?……Follow Him” 🙂 The verse I found to be a comfort is Isaiah 54:1, “Sing O barren one….for more are the children of the desolate than the children of the married wife.” I have 20 nieces and nephews…:-)….I’m a very proud Auntie. So I really do have a lot to be thankful for. I’ll be praying for you. Oh and now I need to go get your book and read it :-). Can’t wait!! 🙂
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Natasha, there is an interesting book titled “The Wed Unmother” that you may find interesting reading And I could point you to a couple who went through a year and half of fertility treatment that turned out to be futility treatment…they gave up, relaxed and now have two boys and a girl. Bless you and keep on following HIM.
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What a privileged to read your story and to see how many lives it has touched. I have felt so much of what you have. Infertility is the loss that was so great it changed me, a loss that never fully heals but one I have learned to move around. A loss that for 9 years escaped my understanding. But by it came my blessings. 3 young children who needed a home, and we who needed to love and raise them, we never would have found each other if not for the infertility.
The song, Blessings by Laura Story is our family anthem. I will not claim to know what God has in store for you. But I know for sure He has something amazing, more than you could ever imagine. I often felt hated and cursed by God, that I was just a “product of his wrath”. But all it took was faithfulness even in the midst of despair and patience, lots of patience. Then 9 years later, the blessings poured down. I am still in awe.
Thanking God for your faithfulness and your willingness to share.
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I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve asked myself that same question. Especially when my sister was pregnant. And I wasn’t. I never answered it like that though. Instead, I prayed for something I could do. Anything, really. I didn’t care what. Just something.
A few months later, I started writing. Years later, I’m still writing. I’m also a doting aunt to my nieces and nephews.
Hugs and peace to you!
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I am 51 years old. I have never been pregnant. I have asked that question, too. Now, I have an 18 yr old daughter, who I adopted as an infant, who is driving me crazy. I go to God and say, “This isn’t what I signed up for. Why can’t she be the kind of daughter I want her to be?” God’s answer to me seems to be, “Wait. Trust me. I know the plans I have for you.” And, so, I wait, knowing that his plans are for my best.
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8 years ago, I was in a similar place. We had been trying for 7 years to have a child with no luck and seriously…everyone around me was pregnant. We were trying to adopt but it was dragging on and on and on. I boycotted one Mother’s Day because I was tired of the pain and railed at God in frustration. One year later, on Mother’s Day I was shocked to realize that I now had two boys under the age of 2, adopted 10 months apart. So much had changed in one very short year! He is faithful and He has a plan…ours is to follow and wait. My heart goes out to you…I know that pain of infertility. Of wanting that gift from God that is such a treasure and wondering why it is being kept from you. God bless you and your husband on your journey!
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Everything can change so rapidly, can’t it? I remember the year I got married, I was living overseas without a single option (I thought) and wanting so badly to have someone to share my life with… little did I know that before my next birthday I would be happily married to a better man than I ever dreamed of. God told me then, “trust me,” and His answer is often the same now. He is good. He is love. He is trustworthy. Thank you for sharing your beautiful testimony!
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A friend shared this on Facebook and it popped up in my newsfeed. It is amazing what He plans for me just when I need it. My husband and I have been going through fertility treatments and appointment after appointment, and I have had these same thoughts. “Why her, but not me?” And although I share in the joy with my many friends who are blessed with beautiful, healthy babies it is bittersweet. Most days it feels like a weight I carry and a battle I fight on my own. Thank you for sharing to remind me that I am never alone, that He is always there. Thanks to God for laying this message on your heart and for leading my path to this message.
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I think one of the greatest lies that Satan feeds us is that we’re all alone in our struggles. Thank you so much for your sweet comment and the reminder to me as well, that none of us are really alone.
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WOW! This really spoke to me and I really needed the reminder. I have been blessed with 2 beautiful children but they did not come without lots of hurt and loss. Now my brother announces they are expecting their 6th child and I could feel my heart drop bc I wondered why children come to easy to them and why I struggle. I needed this reminder that I should not be questioning the path he has already laid out for me. He knows better than I.
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It can be so difficult, can’t it? My sister-in-law struggles to not have her children too close together, and I’m incapable of having even one. So many questions come… and they can be overwhelming if we allow them to. But as you said, God is faithful and in control. {hugs}
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Thank you for sharing this. The night before I saw this post, I wrote a gut-wrenching email. I mean full-on, ugly cry before I finished writing. The next morning, I saw this on a friend’s Facebook page. It was like salve for my wounded soul. At the heart of that email was a why question. Knowing that most everyone has their own question, I shared it with my friends (it went on from them as well). It’s amazing that we never know how God may use us, but He certainly used you in my life. Thank you.
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Hmm, thank you for this. I am honored that God chose my words to bless you. {hugs}
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I hate this. Not the article, but that you and so many others struggle with this. I had an unplanned pregnancy when I was younger. Seven years later I became a Christian, got married, and my husband adopted my daughter. Since she was almost 7 we tried for a sibling right away. We’d tried for 2 1/2 years before we discovered that I had a 5cm tumor in the wall of my uterus. My doctor looked at me sadly and said he was very sorry, but I needed a hysterectomy. He sent me to a specialist anyway for a second opinion and we prayed our hearts out that something could be done. It was! He said he could perform surgery to remove the tumor without a hysterectomy. Three hours into what should have been a 90 minute surgery, the specialist found my husband and told him he’d removed it, but the damage to my uterine wall was extensive and we would likely not conceive. Again we prayed and 6 weeks later I went in for exams and I had NO scar tissue!! So again we prayed and finally after six months I had a positive test! At 12 weeks and 6 days I felt something strange and noticed I was bleeding heavily. I was crushed and scared. We said in the ER and my husband told me to have faith in God and don’t be scared. By a miracle my now 4-year old boy hung on literally by a tiny piece of the placenta still attached and I was on bed rest until it grew back. 18 months later his baby brother came along. We learned through our process that so many people struggle with infertility. I distinctly remember the pain and agony of it, and praise God that I was allowed to wake up from that nightmare. My heart is still with those like you and others who have commented here. I know your pain and am praying that your nightmare ends too. God bless you all!
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What a beautiful testimony! God works such wondrous miracles when we live in submission to Him. Thank you so much for sharing! {hugs}
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Eighteen to twenty years ago, I was there, too. My husband’s two nieces ‘accidentally’ got pregnant in their senior high school year. My sister was pregnant 3 times in 6 yrs. People at church had babies all over the place. I was approaching mid thirties. What about me? God led us through exploratory surgery, which bumped us back to the starting line in adoption. BUT, He had plans for us!! (Jer. 29:11). He brought us, through adoption, a daughter, and less than a year later, a son! They are full biological siblings (mom/dad are the same). They are a blessing and that is an understatement! Thank you for sharing your story here!
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It can be such a struggle– but what you’ve shared here is such a beautiful picture of God’s grace. Thank you for this testimony!
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We are all guilty of feeling short-changed in this world, and how hard it is for us to remember….that our journey isn’t about anyone but us.
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My heart breaks for you and other woman facing a similar journey – I had an abortion when I was younger – now at 24 I cannot bring myself to have children without having a huge sense of guilt – As a school teacher I am constantly reminded of the gift that could have been. Its also really difficult to watch close family members suffer with infertility when you feel like that deserve a baby. Unfortunately life doesn’t work like that – I wish you all the best for the rest of your journey – Hoping you find peace in whatever the outcome
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Alex– one thing that I have learned in this journey is that we all carry pain. And a gift is not a gift if we “deserve” it. If any of us could earn the right to something, it would be payment, not a gift.
God gives us each a story to tell. And our job is never to look back– but to walk forward. “You follow me,” he says. And we can trust that He’ll use everything, even our mistakes, to bring glory to His name.
You have so much opportunity- you can speak into lives that I never could- because of the type of pain that you’ve journeyed through.
Those children you teach? You get to influence them. And if you someday do have another child? You get to raise him/her to know and follow God.
It’s a gift. Cherish it. Don’t let the enemy fill your heart with guilt over what can’t be undone. Christ says, “Therefore there is now no condemnation in Christ Jesus.” If you feel condemnation– it’s not from God. He offers grace and forgiveness.
Be blessed, dear one. {hugs}
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I read your post through tears today! I haven’t experienced your exact struggle, but have had a lot of them recently that have been really weighing me down. I love that old hymn…”turn your eyes upon Jesus. Look full in His wonderful face. And the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of his glory and grace.” Like Peter walking on the water..we need to keep our eyes and our focus on following Him. In those places of pain, it’s so easy for us to lose that focus. I pray the Lord will continue to draw you near to Him and bless you as you walk with Him.
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I love that song, for this very reason. Thank you. May you find more of Him as well. ❤
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I found your blog because I was in pain, and a friend sent me a link. Thank you for writing my thoughts, and providing God’s answer. Humbling, but there it is.
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I’m so thankful it was helpful. {hugs}
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Wow…this went straight to my heart. Thank you for your words. I so needed this.
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I have felt like this, being the one led in a hospital bed trying to stay pregnant and failing, while 2 beds down, in the same ward, is a woman aborting her baby because ” it isn’t the right time”, made me pretty angry at the time and still does sometimes, so I can understand this post completely
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I’m with ya! I have been trying for 2 years 😦
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As someone who has been where you are right now, I ache for you and wish things were different. But in our family, God chose a different path for us to take that we have truly found to be very fulfilling. We have 1 biological child and 7 adopted children. We still have foster children as well. 3 of our children are on their own, but we still have 5 at home. It is something that God led us to do and we have not regretted the decision even once. So, to anyone out there that feels God leading them in a different direction, please consider fostering. We have had so many babies in our home. It is both happy and sad, because sometimes they leave, but sometimes they go to their forever families and we get to remain a part of their lives. May God Bless you in your journey. And thank you for sharing your struggles and your testimonies.
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Thank you for sharing your beautiful testimony, Donna!
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You have managed to say what my heart feels and my pen could not write… Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. God is faithful, and above all I must trust and follow.
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Beautiful truth. Thank you for sharing. You speak for so many who are struggling or who have struggled, like myself. And even though I finally got to have a baby (after 6 years), I still sometimes struggle with the “Why does she…?”
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I was infertile for 14 years. Yes, 14 years. I know you know this pain. I am now the mother of three. Too long of a story to tell but on day, everything change. Even when there is no hope, there is hope because God is in the business of miracles. Hang in there! You are not alone.
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Hmm, thank you for your sweet encouragement, Liz! God is, indeed, in the business of miracles! Yes and amen.
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Thank you so much for sharing! I came across this on Facebook from a friend sharing and it is exactly what I needed to hear and think about! I have really been struggling and this just really makes me stop and think! I could not have come across this at a better time! Thank you!
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Juliana, I’m so thankful that it encouraged you!! Blessings, Natasha
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Hello! I just wanted to let you know that I loved this article so much I’ve linked to in on my website. http://www.childlessmormonsupport.com Thank you!!
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Teenage mothers deserve their babies just as much as you deserve a baby. I’m 17 and my baby is 2.5 months old and we are doing amazing. Don’t judge all teen mothers. We don’t all go out and party and leave our babies with a sitter. I haven’t left my baby for more than 30 minutes since he’s been born. This post offended me.
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I’m sorry you were offended, Lauren. That was not my intent. In fact, the point of the post is to encourage other women facing infertility to not judge teen moms, or anyone else, but to deal with their own hearts before God.
I encourage you to read it, not as a personal attack, but as encouragement.
Blessings, dear one.
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Thank you so much for sharing this. I often find myself asking those same questions. Why, how come, it’s not fair. I really needed to heart this. What a wonderful reminder that we are to follow him. Again thank you so much. From one broken heart to another. I will be lifting you up in prayer. Good bless!
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Thank you, Sarah. {hugs}
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You do not know how many times I have read this. When I feel the pain in my heart as I see another baby announcement or when I am grumpy with discontentment, I repeat the words, “What’s that to you, YOU please God!” Such a timely reminder for me to keep my focus on honoring the Lord. Thank you!!
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I’m so thankful that God is using this post in your life. May you find more of Him each day. ❤ ❤
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So being a teenager makes you automatically unworthy of raising children? Every teenager “misuses” children and is unfit to be a parent? That is incrediby offensive. As a young mother myself, I know am more committed and passionate about parenting than most of my much older peers. The fact that you believe I am undeserving of raising my daughter is very sad. Try to open your mind a little 😦
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Andrea,
I’m sorry you felt this was what I was saying. It was not my intent. In fact, the point of the post is that God calls each of us to simply follow Him, without looking around at anyone else. It was not attempting to make a statement about who is “worthy” of raising children. Again, I apologize for the miscommunication. ❤
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This was a long post to just say “life’s not fair.” Of course i will still follow Jesus for the rest of my life, but i will also be cripplingly sad every day for the rest of my life.
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Oh, Stef. I know. ❤ ❤
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Reblogged this on Waiting on our Welcome and commented:
Saw this on pinterest. I can very much relate to this feeling. Nice perspective.
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Thank you for posting this! I think we all feel this way sometimes and what a great reminder that God doesn’t want us to worry about what others are getting or what we aren’t getting, but wants us to follow Him no questions ask!
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Mhmm, so true. It’s all about Him.
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1 miscarriage, 20+ yrs of marriage to my pastor hubby= 2 human hearts that will never be ok with not being parents. BUT for the grace of God, it all equals a Faith walk like no other! God has given us unique situations, each one taking us deeper, closer to Him. Best part, He has given me the priviledge to pray for children with a Mom’s heart! What better mission than to pray for children! Job 13:15 says “though He slay me, yet still I will serve Him”
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We are not religious, have two children, and never had a problem conceiving. In fact, the first was failed BC mixed with an antibiotic, and a broken condom, the second we had just decided we wanted to try for another, and we were pregnant within the month. The reason I can feel your pain, and am extremely empathetic to people who suffer from infertility, is because I know the joy of having so much love for your children. It is an amazing, one of a kind, perfect love, that I one day hope you get the experience of knowing. Whether you adopt, or finally conceive, I hope it happens for you. It hurts my heart to know that there are wonderful people out there who cannot have a child that they want so badly. Much love your way. I love the positive outlook of knowing there s a bigger picture.
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What happens when you are so angry, so frustrated and so tired with God that following him is the last thing on earth you want to do?
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Oh, friend. I know that place. Oh, how I know it. And my only advice is to open your Bible and start reading– and don’t stop. Even when you have questions, even when you’re angry, even when your broken. Just keep reading. Because the only thing that’s going to heal that place is to learning to know God all over again. The God who IS, not just the god you want Him to be.
And in the meantime– know that there are those of us who understand. So painfully well. ❤ ❤
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❤ Thank you ❤
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You may not even read comments anymore on this post, but I want to let you know that this really spoke to me today. I have been struggling for the last year with infertility, and going through treatments, and I have a lot of “pregnancy/motherhood envy” that I haven’t really been able to squash. I ask God that same question “Why her and not me?” so often, so this really just hit me where I am today. Thank you for sharing this with the world. ❤
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I do read them! And I’m so, so thankful that you were blessed. ❤ ❤
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I just posted a blog with the same question! Thank you for such a great answer! What’s it to me who has a baby? Just follow him. Just what I needed today.
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Thank you for writing this & more importantly sharing it. Last week, my husband and I found out we were pregnant with out first child. Yesterday we found out we lost our child. I was between 4-5 weeks along. I have been devastated. I have been torn down and angry. I have been envious of those who get to cherish the gift of a child, while I suffer. My husband keeps telling me to trust God and I am finding that so hard to do. God took my baby from me, I can’t follow him. But this clicked with me. This was what I needed to hear. This is what I need to start the healing process and to remember that God has a plan, I just don’t know what it is yet. You have made me realize there is a reason for what I am going through. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
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Oh, dear, I feel your pain. May you sense His presence as you journey through the pain.
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my husband or i have never went to the doctors, but 14 years after being together and we have never even had a scare, i’m actually afraid to go the doctors because i want to just think i can! my sister has three kids and her third she got pregnant while her tubes were supposed to be tied, that right there tore my heart apart. i really have no one to talk to about my situation, i tried talking to my sister-in-law once and now she’s accusing me of just flat out being jealous of
her 😦 this is the hardest thing ever and i don’t wish this pain on anyone.
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{hugs} It is one of the hardest things in the world. I pray that you find peace and joy in the journey.
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Quit hating. And its a woman’s body she can abort if she want to. I was a teen mother and I never left my children to be raised by my own mother or grandmother. Maybe if you lost weight….you jealous old hag.
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It’s wonderful that you were able to raise your children. I’m sorry you were offended by this post. I doubt you read it with my intent in mind.
As for the comments about weight and name-calling, I hardly find that helpful. While it is true for some that losing weight can help with fertility, for others that is the least of their concerns.
I apologize if you felt hurt by my words. They were written only, ever, to encourage. To remind each of us that looking around and comparing ourselves to others will never help us in life.
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Today I said congrats to a friend as she announced her due date. Then I completely fell apart. Hid in a bathroom as I couldn’t stop the tears. I’ve always been able to maintain my emotions but at 41 yrs old, I lost control.
I read your article hours into my sobbing pity party. Thank you. I’ve never been angry at God but I have questioned Him when it’s definitely not my business. I needed that blatant reminder.
Thank you also for adding that adoption is not always an option. Many years ago my husband was arrested for drinking and driving. It’s a sin that is hanging on as unforgivable in many areas of our lives. Thankfully, it was just a random police stop, no one was ever hurt, but no one will give us a child with a record.
They say age gives wisdom. I think it just forces you to pray with a wider spectrum.
I’m glad you to took the time. It gave me comfort to see my feelings experienced by someone else.
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I’ve been right where you are– crying in the bathroom too many times to count. And while we are now adopting a little girl– it was not a simple, “Oh, let’s adopt” decision. There are many, many variables. Praying that the Lord reveals Himself more to you every day as you walk this road. ❤ ❤
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My heart hears your cry and knows your struggles. I too ask the same question. My story is simple. I was one of “those” girls who seemed undeserving and given such a gift. Years later, after marriage and turning my life around, my daughter is grown and I have no children with my husband. Years of treatments and struggles made me hurt and angry. I even asked questions like, “You blessed me when I was at my lowest and now that I’m healed you say NO?” I never understood. Now, I ask the question of my own grown daughter who has blessed us with a beautiful grandchild while I continue my struggle to have one of my own. People tell me, at least you have the grandbaby, that should make you “feel” better. Honestly, she makes me yearn for my own with my husband even more. I cry out to God every day, begging, pleading and attempting to bargain for a baby knowing full well God has a plan and his answer so far has been a resounding “no.” Your devotion has brought me to tears, but most importantly it has brought me to my knees. God has a plan. Following Him is part of that plan. My selfish desire to give my husband a child is not. Thank you for your words of wisdom. They don’t make the hurt go away when I see others doing what I would give my everything for, but it does give me an understanding of what God has planned for me.
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Oh, friend. ❤ I am thankful you have tasted some redemption in your story– and I pray that God will continue to redeem the pieces that are left. He knows your deepest hurts. He really does. And He doesn't say, "Oh, just be happy." Instead, He sorrows with us for the things lost. May you feel Him near.
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I found this song for a friend who experienced a recent miscarriage of her twin boys…sometimes a song, can express how you are feeling, I know this would have helped me when I lost my baby a few years ago…here are the lyrics and link to Youtube for the song…
Wish I Had the Why (Shelly Fraley, BMI)
I wish I had the why, The why for every woe, We’re all chasing ghosts, Something we loved the most, Lost along the way
Looking for a reason why, Why the dark comes out some days, Why it takes our peace away and It breaks us down inside
When your peace like a river runs dry like the desert land, I’ve seen the darkness fall and rise up from the sand
Wish I had the words, the words to make it alright. But we’re all looking for a reason for our wars that words can’t justify
When your peace like a river runs dry like the desert land, I’ve seen the darkness fall and rise up from the sand.
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