When Life Turns Out Different Than What You Expected

when life turns out different than what you expected
Some stories don’t turn out like we expect them to.

I’m sure Mary would agree with me. She said yes to God’s plan, despite her limited understanding. She put her hand right in His and followed the path laid down for her.

But I somehow doubt she ever expected where all it would lead her.

When my husband and I were first contacted about adopting a little unborn baby, we went right to our knees. We were Gideon with all his doubts. We weren’t strong enough, wealthy enough.

Four times I stretched out a fleece. Not just the twice that Gideon did. Four times.

Are you sure, God?

Every time He laid my fears to rest. This was His battle, His decision, His plan.

As we followed the road, prophecies and words of wisdom came. Annas and Simeons and humble shepherds full of confirmation. The verse came to me, right in the middle. “And [Mary] treasured all of these things in her heart.” (Luke 2:51)

I was writing down the promises. Filling scraps of paper that I tucked into the back of my planner. On this day God did this. On this day He did that. My heart filled. Of one thing there was no doubt: God was in it.

But things didn’t turn out the way we expected them to.

The baby came early. Too early. We traveled and visited our little Annie and touched her tiny feet, let her impossibly small fingers wrap around ours. Every day that passed with her still breathing, my fears eased. We serve a miracle-working God and I prayed His miracles into my daughter’s life. But again, things didn’t turn out the way I expected. Instead of bringing home a daughter, we said goodbye to an almost-adopted-baby.

God, what kind of miracle is this?

But even Mary– is this not the story she embraced? The glory of giving birth to the King of kings came with knifing sorrows as well.

“Behold, this child is appointed for the fall and rising of many in Israel, and for a sign that is opposed (and a sword will pierce through your own soul also), so that thoughts from many hearts may be revealed.” (Luke 2:34-35)

Mary, whose pregnancy carried shame, who bore the pain of childbirth, who watched her son be embraced by the lost and broken– and rejected by the powerful, and eventually lay weeping at the foot of a cross as her innocent firstborn died a criminal’s death.

It wasn’t what was expected. It wasn’t the glorious, miraculous arrival of a Warrior-King who would save the Jewish nation. Instead, it was a Servant-Child who would save the world. 

Can I surrender to this God? The One who does what I don’t expect. Who isn’t ruled by my desperate longings, but is instead ruling with the knowledge of eternity. The One who is revealing the hidden places in my heart– not to crush me or break me, but to heal me up and fill the emptiness with whispers of love.

I always thought Mary was “treasuring up” the promises about her Son, but I think I was looking at those verses with limited vision. I think Mary was “treasuring up” the Emmanuel-Moments. The God-right-there-with-her moments. It wasn’t about figuring out God’s plan, it was about realizing that God was going before her, that He was her rear guard. She was surrounded on every side no matter what came her way. 

And this is my promise too.

for the Lord will go before you,
    and the God of Israel will be your rear guard. (Is. 52:12)

No matter what. God is going both behind and before me.

So when my baby dies, He is going ahead of me to prepare the way so I am not alone. And when adoptions fail, He is coming behind me and holding me in the dark hours. And when another year passes without a child in my womb, I am surrounded on all sides with His presence and love.

With the knowledge of His presence, I can rejoice in the gifts I have, even as I mourn the ones I have lost. This year, despite every impossibility, I get to hold my beautiful nine-year-old, and whisper the Christmas story to her. I can promise that no-matter what, the Emmanuel is still here.

Oh, Lord, help me teach this truth to the daughter you’ve placed in our home. Help me keep my focus on where You are– not on what I want You to do for me. 

All those little scraps of paper– with all those moments written down? They are treasures because they are proof that God is Emmanuel. Right here in this broken, lost, sinful world.

So to you who are facing the unexpected: He’s right behind you. He’s going before you.

He’s Emmanuel. The God-Who-Is-Right-There-With-You.

I promise.

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25 thoughts on “When Life Turns Out Different Than What You Expected

    • Well, I guess we are different for I cannot leave the question of what happened behind. I have accepted many things in my life without question – cronical illnesses, family issues…..This is crucial, about me and communication with Him, I need to know if I heard wrong, AGAIN. I was curious about your opinion on my case, with your experience, lessons, etc knowing that ultimately I have to get something from God but stll being curious if it does make sense to someone even if the “prophecy” was not reality….It’s ok if you don’t want to pick your choice regarding my story. Thank you for bringing important things into discussion like following Him no matter what.

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      • One thing I do want to encourage you with is that there have been times when I’ve had to leave the questions for a season– but God has continually been faithful to bring answers eventually. For example– the blog post I linked to showed that while God comforted me, He didn’t answer my questions about our failed adoption. It wouldn’t be for another year before I began to understand all that took place and how God was using that failed adoption to bring our daughter into our home. It wasn’t the daughter we THOUGHT, but now, with time and understanding on our side, we can see that she was the child God had planned (from her birth! http://natashametzler.com/2014/05/29/redemption-is-for-all-even-me/ ) to be ours. He hadn’t lied about adoption, or our journey through– we just hadn’t seen the entire picture.

        You might not be able to understand right now. You may HAVE to lay down your questions… there may not be any other option. But that doesn’t mean that God will never show you “behind the curtain”, that He will never reveal the missing pieces of the story– it may be coming.

        I remember a sister in the faith once telling me, “God isn’t just concerned about the destination, He’s interested in the journey as well.” I know in my life, God wasn’t just concerned about a daughter coming into our home, but also about all that my heart needed to learn before I could ever parent the hurting child He had for us. When that first adoption failed, I was devastated. How could there be any point in loving a child and having her ripped away from us? We must have heard God wrong. This wasn’t good for her or for us or for anyone. It was ridiculous. But now, now I know that when our daughter arrived, scared to death of the prospect of a new family, scared that we were be torn from her grasp, afraid to love– we got it. Because we felt the same things. And we were able to bond with her so much faster because of our shared histories.

        God didn’t change. And His words were true. But I hadn’t understood because I couldn’t see all the pieces.

        And that’s where trust is required. Trusting that if God told me to walk this way He IS going to work His will into completion. Maybe there is more to take place, maybe this is but the tiniest little sliver of the story He’s writing. Sometimes it may be a year, or even nine years! But God reveals Himself. He does. http://natashametzler.com/2014/09/17/learning-to-trust-gods-silence/

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      • Thank you for all time and effort to talk to me.

        Frankly I have the feeling we are dancing around the issue: you speak about your experiences, I speak about mine.

        I know the transformation of heart on a certain path He takes us, I know about the journey of faith. I have one and only one question: did I hear you wrong about Ionut? I will follow, learn, regroup, I am already being transformed through all this experience….I don’t care much about the outcome, or the timing. All I care is: Lord do You have a problem in communicating with me because of me? That is crucial for our relationship, and a simple Yes or No is sufficient. I won’t ask explanations in either of cases, l simply need to know I am in the right relationship and not in dellusional conversation with an imaginary God….

        is that so hard for you to understand? Can you, even if you didn’t need the same? Can you help someone who lives something you haven’t? Or we just talk about our OUR experiences and that’s all we can do..

        sorry I don’t mean to be harsh, just exhausted for this dance around the bushes.

        thank you anyway. Happy that you did get a daughter from God and sad for all pain in previous years.

        Blessings.

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      • But, Helen, can’t you see that I CAN’T answer that for you?

        Think about your question:

        Lord, do you have a problem in communicating with me because of me?

        How can I, or anyone else, answer that for you? I don’t know your heart. I don’t know what God has said, or has tried to say, to you.

        The only thing I CAN do is tell you my story. I didn’t live yours. I only lived mine. And I DID ask those questions. I did wonder those things. And this is where I ended up.

        If you don’t like the place where I ended up, or how I ended up there, that’s perfectly fine. I’m not saying, “Hey, this worked for me so if you just did it right– you’d be fine.” No, not at all.

        I am saying, “Hey, this is all I know.” Because this is it. I know about the questions. I know about wondering what is wrong with God’s all-knowing-mind. I know about struggling and fearing that I had it all wrong and I never heard God to begin with. I know all about that.

        I do get it.

        But I can’t tell you step-by-step answers for your issues with communicating with God.

        Just like my mom, my sisters, and my husband couldn’t tell me how to figure out my journey. They prayed for me. Sorrowed with me. Told me their stories. But they couldn’t answer my questions.

        I’m certainly not trying to dance around the issue. Not at all. I’d say the issue is plain: Can you trust that you’re hearing God’s voice when you can’t see His answer– even when it appears that you heard Him wrong?

        And my plain straight answer?

        I don’t know– can you?

        Sounds harsh– but there it is. Can you?

        I told you my story because I want to point out that you’re not the only one asked to answer that question. I had to.

        I have to right now. God redeemed the loss of one child, but we’re now mourning another one. And each time I have to answer the questions again.

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      • “Can you trust that you’re hearing God’s voice when you can’t see His answer– even when it appears that you heard Him wrong?

        And my plain straight answer?

        I don’t know– can you?

        Sounds harsh– but there it is. Can you? ”

        Yes. Now we’re getting somewhere! Conversation with you and my best friend minutes ago help me think and evaluate. I cannot discern my communication with God solely on what happens and what doesn’t. He did say those things, there is no doubt about it – I couldn’t possibly come up with that, and also with the name. I am not sure what they mean entirely, for like you said I don’t have all elements and all perspective.

        YES, I can trust God I heard Him right even if it seems no answer, or reality is exactly the opposite of what it should be. Our ongoing communication about what happens every day is not nulified because something happens or not. Eventually, what He truly said will happen – no second, back up plans on His part.

        I would still appreciate an “yes” you heard Me correctly, any time He wants to spoil me with this loving assurance. But yes, I know the answer, I trust Him despite everything that happens.

        now I will go read my new purchases from Amazon, arrived today in mail, about marriage: “A lifelong love” by Gary Thomas, and “You and me forever” by Francis Chan – books released in October and august 2014. I love these books because they put God and His mission and Kingdom at the center of both life and marriage.

        Thank you, blessings.

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      • Well, I realized you played your card well: you provoked me psychologically and you got an emotional response – how could I say I won’t trust even if I heard wrong?

        But an emotional response is not a valid answer to the question if I heard wrong. But only God can answer that.

        sorry to bother you, I guess counseling is something, personal relationship/communication with God is another thing.

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  1. Beautiful post. I feel like God has been hitting me over the head with this message lately. Thank you for writing! I love how you write down the little messages God sends you. I should start doing the same.

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  2. Dearest Natasha

    I am reading your blog for a while now, and also notunredeemed of your friend Katie. I appreciate your vulnerability and sharing.

    I find myseld in similar situation – God, what kind of miracle is this? You spoke to me clearly and now what you said is dead. How can it be?

    But I have a questiion for you – and Katie I asked in the post about “Purpose of relationships not marriage” 9where she said that God lead her into a relationship for marriage but it ended in helping the man spiritually and him marrying someone else): how can God say one thing and things happen the opposite way? If He said “adopt this baby?” how come that baby died? Is He playing games and rhemma – saying one thing by actually refering to something else? Wasn’t it a sign that a prophecy is true, genuine if what the prophet said, happened indeed?

    How do you explain the contradiction between your message from the Lord, and the reality of what happened? It is one thing that Mary – and any of us – didn’t espect her path of obedience to lead her where it did – at the Cross of her son. But it is quite another thing to happen the exact opposite thing of what God said, or confirmed by giving the “fleece”. If baby Jessus was never born from MAry’s womb – would the angel’s prophecy be true?

    I am fighting myself to find answer to this question, as I said. I didn’t so far. I know what I heard from God and it was all His initiative to speak to me, and even give me a name of someone I didn’t know much. And the reality is clear. And I cannot reconciliate these 2.

    How do you in your case?

    Thank you for responding to me on this blog. I am sure other readers may find themselves in similar dilemmas and questionning.

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    • I do think, Helen, that we need to remember that God, for some reason unknown to us, has chosen to work through sinful people– and give sinful people free will.

      Katie and I talked of this at one point– how God calling her to be faithful is her responsibility, but what someone else does with the Lord’s Word is theirs.

      In the case of this baby, the birth mother also made many decisions that were her decisions to make. No one could do them for her. She was advised, and the Lord provided many things for her, but she still is ultimately the one who decides what she will or will not do.

      that is not to say that she is responsible for the baby’s death. Absolutely not. It is God alone who numbers a man’s days.

      I don’t know all that goes on in the heavens. And I don’t feel as if God has gone back on His word. He said, “Go this way.” And I went. It just happened to be that way brought sorrow.

      God never promises a life free from pain. He just doesn’t. The correlation between Mary and our story, in this case, is that God was leading us toward heartache.

      But is it better to not taste sorrow and know little of love? Of course not.

      Annie died. But before she died, I sat with her and prayed over her and fought for her.

      I don’t know what that means for eternity– and maybe it has little to do with Annie and something more to do with all the other people around us. I don’t know.

      But I believe that God can and WILL work His purpose– not just in spite of people’s choices, but even through them.

      When my husband and I married, I felt clearly that the Lord led me to him. Even giving me prophetic dreams before hand. But he still had to make his choices, and he almost chose not to pursue the relationship. If he had made the choice, I believe the Lord would have redeemed the loss I felt and rewarded my faithfulness in another way. Just as I believe that He is working to redeem Katie’s story and your story as well.

      I don’t know if that answers any of your questions, but I pray it is helpful in some way. ❤

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      • Thank you very much for your response. I absolutely agree with everything you say.

        Indeed, God led us to a path of sorrow and we followed. Indeed, free will is granted.

        But the philosophical question is: Is God leading and speaking about something that has no sense? Doesn’t He speak from all eternity’s perspective, knowledge and wisdom? Does He say: marry that person even if He knows it’s never ever gonna happen because the other person chooses to marry someone else? Why would He say anything to me refarding to a marriage with someone that never marries me????
        He is a God of order not confusion…so the question of principle still remains. Yes, He leads us sometimes purposefully to a difficult path – as with Joseph. But does He say things that are not true – like marry this person when it’s never going to happen? Is the free will of man superior to God’s sovereignty and omniscience?

        I know the answer is NO. But the things that need to be reconciliated remain. With no solution, or answer.

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      • I’m so sorry for the sorrow of things unfulfilled. And for the sorrow of feeling God lead, and then left things incomplete.

        In the end, no matter what, it comes down to trust. Can you trust when you don’t understand? Can you trust when it doesn’t make any sense? Can you trust if it seems as if God lied to you?

        Hannah Hurnard takes on these questions in her allegory, “Hinds Feet on High Places”. At one point Much-Afraid is in a position where it appears the Good Shepherd deceived her. For many years, whenever I read that part, I felt confused. Why does the Good Shepherd not say, “I would never deceive you.” and just quiet her fears? But instead He says, “Can you trust me, even if I did deceive you?” to which she says, “But you never would!” and He responds, “But what if I did?”

        What if He did?

        In the story, Much-Afraid’s thoughts swirl. What then? Would it be that she could never trust, never love him again? Would she have to be alive in the world where there was no Shepherd, only a mirage and a broken lovely dream? To know that she had been deceived by one she was certain could not deceive? To lose him?

        Suddenly she burst into a passion of weeping, then after a little while looked straight up into his face and said, “My Lord– if you can deceive me, you may. It can make no difference. I must love you as long as I continue to exist. I cannot live without loving you.”

        Suppose God did deceive you. What then?

        Peter was asked this question, in another form, when Jesus had spoken about eating his body and drinking his blood. Christ has purposefully said things that turned most of His followers away. I think this was worse, in many ways, than if He had lied to them. A lie they could have handled. Eating flesh and drinking blood— not so much. But when everyone turns away, Jesus turns to the disciples and says, “Do you want to leave too?”

        And Peter, you notice, doesn’t say, “No I don’t want to leave!” I think a part of him DID want to. This was too much to bear. But where would he go? And that is how he responds, “Where else would we go? You alone have the words of life.”

        Now, with time and all of Scripture on our side, we can see what Jesus was talking about. We know about communion and the forgiveness of sins and Jesus’ death and resurrection and the defeat of the grave. Now it all makes sense. But it didn’t that day.

        Sometimes I think God takes all of us to a place where we cannot POSSIBLY understand– and then leaves the question. “If I did deceive you. If I am talking about breaking every law you’ve ever known. Abraham, sacrifice your son. Job, honor me when I rip every last thing you have from your grasp. Natasha, adopt this baby who will die. Helen, marry this man who won’t marry you.” Are you willing to still follow? Even when it doesn’t make sense?

        They’re hard questions. Incredibly hard questions.

        Horrendously hard questions.

        But it’s still the question we all face. Will we worship God, even when we don’t understand Him? Even if it appears that He isn’t as good as we once thought?

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      • Yes, dear Natasha, I love God even now that I don’t understand, even if He would deceive me….I made that resolution verbally during this summer. It’s not a question of my conditional commitment to Him or my divided love or hidden motives.

        It’s just I don’t know what to do with my life anymore. I obeyed what He said the best I knew how. And now I don’t know what to do – what does it mean to follow and obey Him in this new situation which doesn’t make sense?

        Is it that you want me to love You, worship You and follow You switching my brain off, Lord? YEs, I will follow You blindly if that’s what You ask. I will suffer more into Your will and path and detemined I will never leave You no matter what You do to me. What next? Are we living in a non-sense relationship with the Master of the Universe?

        But if You relate to me, Your child, as a Person, there has to be meaning, communication and everything else. Satan and people around me say well if the prophecy hasn’t been fulfilled into reality, then God didn’t speak or it was a lie. The only One who can say otherwise is God Himself – and somehow give anything to make sense to us.

        I know you understand Natasha and I thank you for your compassion and encouragement and kind words. I do believe also that all of us come to this point in a form or another in our faith life. We determine to follow and sacrifice even if we don’t understand. But that does NOT solve the principial problem that I posed: does God pay riddles saying one thing to us but meaning something opposite? Does He allow other liers to speak to ua and mislead us into believing it was a prophecy from Him? Does He provide a vision and then kill it – for good – for one cannot possibly adopt a child that is dead, burried into a grave?

        I know the answer to all these question is NO. But again: I surrender unconditionally, and love unconditionally and worship unconditionally this God i call my Father. But WHO IS HE? What does He do, and what sense do I make of my life with Him? And what testimony am I to others, when they see the “prophecies from Him” being killed and burried into the grave?

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      • I understand what you’re saying, but I also know that you’re the only one who can determine the answers you’re looking for.

        Is it possible that God told you something, confirmed it, and then allowed it to change? Yes.

        Is it possible that you misunderstood God? Yes.

        Either is possible and you’re the only one who can figure out the answer. I can’t begin to determine what God has said or done in your life. Oh, I can test things or compare things to Scripture, but in the end– you have to figure it out.

        Just as I am the only one who can determine if God actually led my husband and I to plan on adopting a little baby whom He knew would never live.

        I guess, for me, it doesn’t matter. Whether we misunderstood, or if He called us to something and then allowed it to change, it is what it is. He is God and I am not.

        Maybe, at this point, this should be your prayer. “God, reveal to me who You are. Not who I think you are, or who I believed you were, but who You ARE.”

        In truth, it sounds like that IS your prayer. So keep praying it. I am praying it too.

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      • Thank you.

        I guess from a point of view it doesn\t matter for me either – I will love and follow God no matter what. Except as a rational person in a loving relationship, I am looking for meaning in important things and fundamental decisions, and communication about everything. Yes, I am not God and He is, but it doesn’t mean life with Him should not make ANY sense, or the relationship with Him should be absurd (misunderstood communication or guiding, random facts/circumstances, irrational life decisions).

        So I am still waiting on You Lord to see what you answer to my plea.

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      • “”Is it possible that God told you something, confirmed it, and then allowed it to change? Yes.””

        NO, I don’t believe in open theism.

        http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Open_theism

        Frankly, I am amazed at your peace regarding what happened – in your own words, it is what it is whether we misounderstood Him or He just allowed it to change.

        Aren;t you afraid that you may have faulty communication with God? Aren’t you concerned you may not hear from God at all and live in continuous illusion?
        Or that you will make same mistakes again and again?

        Sorry, don’t mean to imply anything, just wondering….This is my case for asking for some understanding – the past is past, but what about the future? Future mistakes?

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      • Sorry if that comment made it sound like open theism. I didn’t mean it that way. I wasn’t talking about what I thought God did– but rather, trying to name the possibilities that people may accept.

        Of course I wonder about my communication with God. I think we all do, to some respect. I am human, with human fallacies.

        I also know that the day we got the phone call that Annie’s infection had moved to her brain, I came home to find a letter in the mailbox that said, “We’re praying strength into you.” And a note on our kitchen table that said, “Know that the Lord is going before you.” As we had just received the information, there was no way anyone else could have known. Except God.

        In our case, I DON’T believe that God allowed anything to change. I believe He knew, from the very beginning, where everything would end. And He didn’t so much call us to adopt Annie as He did call us to obey Him– no matter where it led us.

        Maybe I’m living in a continuous illusion– I suppose I can’t prove otherwise– but if so, I’ll take the illusion over reality. And that may sound foolish, but it’s the truth. Because here, in this illusion where I believe God speaks to me, I have peace. I can breathe deep, even when my baby dies, and know that God has never left me, even for a moment.

        As for the future, no, I don’t fear it. I don’t fear messing up. Oh, I don’t like it! Not at all. But at the very least, I can say, “Forgive me, I must have heard wrong.”

        I was in a relationship once, with someone before my husband. I really thought I was following God. He was a great guy– everything seemed goof. But when it came down to it, I had to do exactly that tell my closest friends that I hadn’t heard God right. Regardless of what I thought.

        Now, that case was a little more cut and dry than it sounds yours is. But I HAVE thought that I heard God before and then realized I didn’t. It sucks. To be blunt. But I’m not perfect. Yet, I AM growing (I hope) and the growth is what convinces my wondering heart that God is real and moving and speaking.

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    • Now, in 2010 one Sunday I was talking to God complaining about my marital status: I told Him about all the girls from chuch that left Him and married Non-Christians and complained that even if I would never do that, I am single and “hopeless” …..And He told me, through a Christian radio programme, the exact message: “I am going ro reward your faithfulness and work in a way that will amaze you regarding your marriage”. Later that afternoon, only hours later, unknown to her about God’s messahe, a friend complained to me about her marital status and said: “I. I. is a wonderful catch for marriage” (but there is nothing going on between us). I didn’t even ask to know who was to be the husband, and there was already a name of a man I hardly have seen in the chuch from the distance and I obviously didn’t think he was a catch. The following years nothing happened – we talked as friends and eventually he told me there is nothing going on between us, while God was speaking to me about patience, suffering, no results, green fruits that need to be ripen. The verse for 2014 was : The 2 of them shall become one flesh but the one who is joined to God becomes one spirit with Him. In a few weeks he started a relationship with a girl that rejected him 5 years ago and was everything he could ever wanted on his list for a wife – international mission, children ministry, tall and thin etc….The following months God spoke about resurrection so so so many times and I couldn’t understand if it refered to resurrection of my dream for marriage or resurrection of this situation with him. A month before their marriage this November, another message from God through the radio: “I will accomplish My goal in a way that amazes you. I am working in this situation for the consequences of people’s choices cannot be undone, and I am working despite this situation.”
      On November 9, 2014 they got married, and I still have no answers from God about what really happened…..He is speaking about compassion, understanding, forgiveness, making something beautiful from all my pain and tears. All I could really need is: “This actually was not from Me, I do have another plan that you misunderstood”……just to get closure and peace about it all.

      So, what do you think?

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  3. Thank you for your response. I realize it’s a lengthy conversation online with deep, personal, heart issues so I appreciate the more your communication with me.
    Regarding open theism, I couldn’t possibly care less about things people accept but aren’t true – I’d rather have no answers than having human lies contradicting sound theology about who God is and what He is capable of doing.

    It is good that we can wrap the message from God like “He did not call us to adopt Annie but to obey Him no matter where the path leads”. It’s sounds good, but does it have meaning in the end? I mean, I could say: God has called me to obey Him no matter if I married this man whose name He told me or not – but on what purpose? Well, we could say – as Katie did in her blog testimony– that I did impact his life somehow, that I grew spiritually, relationally etc but the bottom line is different: would God say something and the end result be the opposite? Would He say: “Follow Me on this path to marriage to this guy but you will end marrying someone else?” He is Truth, He cannot lie – so where is the problem? I had similar proofs as your examples with the notes regarding Annie, that I was not hallucinating and only God could answer specifically to some of my thoughts and questions, that only He did know I had. So again, I am wondering what is the problem – the reality is opposite to the message.
    For the evangelism, the illusion that you would take over reality because it gives you peace is tricky. Any hindu or other religion’s follower could say he is based on truth and he has peace, so it must be the right path. We know otherwise. But no one has to prove anything to anyone. I was just saying that I am asking myself this question: am I really living in reality of communication with the genuine God or am I deluding myself?

    For future mistakes – I cannot simply say over and over :Forgive me, I must have heard wrong (and done wrong accordingly)….At one point one has to get straight. Yes there is grace and forgiveness no matter how many times, but this isn’t an excuse for being irresponsible and learn from past mistakes and learn to discern to do the right thing next time.

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    • Hm… I’m thinking that this form of communication is not the best for these discussions. My comment about the illusion was not a commentary on the existence of God but on God’s form of communication with His children. I don’t think it is an illusion, but if it was, I would rather the illusion. Does that make sense?

      I feel, honestly, that your questions are unanswerable. Not that I couldn’t pick apart your experience and try to make sense of it in my mind, but rather because it doesn’t matter if it makes sense to me or not. What matters is that you come to terms with it.

      Before Annie we faced the loss of another little girl through a failed adoption. In that circumstance, I wrestled with God many a night. And the only thing that brought me through it was digging into the Word. Over and over. On the nights I couldn’t sleep. On the days when questions swirled.

      At a certain point I had to stop looking for answers that would satisfy me (for nothing really could) and had to begin searching for His voice again— regardless of how afraid I was of hearing Him wrong, or of Him not loving me enough to give me good things. And it was His voice that came to me after that sorrow, that calmed my questions and fears and gave me peace to continue on. I think my “acceptance” of Annie’s death comes mainly from that journey back to His voice when I thought it was lost.

      I wrote a little bit through that journey– this blog post: http://natashametzler.com/2013/11/15/find-god-in-pain/

      In the end, it’s really the only thing I can tell you. Read His Word. Leave your questions and study Him. ❤

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  4. You have pb with the site,. I uploaded the response in several reply section and didn’t appear. Now it is fragmented into several pieces. Sorry.

    Like

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