So, Lord, I’m Turning Thirty and I Still Don’t Have Babies

So, Lord, do you remember how I always planned to be done having babies by the time I was thirty? I’m not sure why, except that my mother had her last one while in her mid-twenties so it seemed like a good plan.

I had no idea that one day I would be facing my thirtieth birthday without a pregnancy lasting longer than 6-8 weeks. 

Tonight, as I was struggling through chores with a frozen water hose and a nosy heifer and a hissing cat, I felt a little like crying. Sometimes I feel like screaming but tonight it was just tears that bit at my eyes.So, Lord, I'm Turning Thirty and I Still Don't Have Babies (thoughts on God's goodness in the face of loss)

Dying dreams hurt. I know, I know– You do good things with dead dreams. But any type of death is painful. Especially the death of my-wants.

It seemed simple, you know. Asking for a baby. It says that every good and perfect gift comes from above– and this desire seemed good and noble and perfect. Just a wee little one to snuggle close and kiss and teach and love. Just a baby that won’t have another mama coming to take her away from me.

Why does thirty seem so hard? It’s not like it’s suddenly impossible that You might move on my behalf. But I guess it feels more improbable. And no matter what, no matter how You choose to act– it won’t be what I wanted. I’ll never be the young mother with half a dozen little ones running around. It just won’t happen.

But tonight, as I was pushing up hay and shaking out bedding and shoving that silly heifer out of my face, I couldn’t help but think of the conversation I had with my daughter.

Which was good. Because, hello! I have a daughter. Regardless of how many dreams have died and been buried, You did gift me this wonder. Thank you. 

Anyway– the conversation with Lizbethy this morning came to mind. The one when she was fussing about doing chores. “You probably just adopted me to have a slave!” She sobbed into my shirt as I patted her head.

I almost laughed.

Almost, but not quite.

Thanks for that little extra self-control there. 

Instead, I looked down at her and talked quietly about how learning to work hard at a task, even when it’s something we don’t want to do, is a part of growing up. And the only reason I care about her sweeping the floor correctly, is because I want her to grow up and become a woman of valor. A woman who can face the hard things in life with grace. A woman who knows how to do the stuff she doesn’t like, just because it has to be done.

I want good for her. Good and not evil. I want her to be strong and capable, with a foundation that is sturdy enough to handle life’s storms– and the piles of laundry.

And my little pixie girl, she looks right up at me and says, “But Mom, this doesn’t feel like something good. It feels bad.”

Those, of course, are the words that caught my attention as I shoved the heifer away one more time. Sometimes we can’t trust our feelings. 

It’s easy, You know, to feel like maybe You’ve forgotten me. Like maybe You haven’t heard my prayers, or cared about the longings of my heart. But sometimes we can’t trust our feelings.

“What is truth?” I asked my daughter, to help guide her mind away from the lies about her worth. And this evening I asked myself the same thing as I turned out the barn lights and started the trudge toward the house. In the thirty minutes or so that I had before the family arrived home, I sat and wrote. I wrote the truth that I know.

He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?

For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, “Fear not,  I am the one who helps you.”

Even these may forget, yet I will not forget you.

Oh, how abundant is your goodness, which you have stored up for those who fear you and worked for those who take refuge in you, in the sight of the children of mankind!

You, Lord, have good in store for me. You will not forget me.

This year I’m going to remember. I’m going to set aside my feelings and cling to truth. You know the beginning and the end. You know what these trials, these empty arms, are building in me. And I’m going to believe that it is something good. Something beautiful.

Last year You told me You would be teaching me delight and then from the ashes of sorrows, we welcomed home our eight-year-old daughter. Through all that hard, and all the hard that she brought with her, You have kept Your word. Delight. 

This year is going to be the year of good.

Not that I get everything I want, but that I can be settled and know that You are doing good things in me, no matter what my feelings say.  No matter how many years pass without babies. No matter. For I know truth. And truth shall set me free. 

Know, Friend, that no matter what you are facing– He is going both behind and before you. Rest in Him this year. When all else fades, His truth will remain. 

 

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21 thoughts on “So, Lord, I’m Turning Thirty and I Still Don’t Have Babies

  1. I turned 30 in September and had these exact feelings. 30 seemed like such a huge number, especially knowing there were no children in our home…and likely will never be. I’m thankful 2014 brought redemption for you, and I’ll continue praying for you in this new year. ♡

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  2. I spent most of this morning in tears because I too am waiting-not necessarily for a baby but for a husband. I am 38 years old and waiting and wondering if I should let go of my dream of being a wife. I thank you for your candor and this Word you shared. I will be expecting GOOD from our heavenly father as well. God bless you

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  3. Elizabeth’s words about being a slave made me laugh since I know some biological children who sometimes have felt the same way. And yes, so often in our lives what is for good feels bad at the time. So thankful God has blessed you with the gift of your lovely daughter this past year. And He is faithful to fill those “wanting” places on our hearts, though we grieve the loss of dreams. He has more for you.

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  4. Loved your post! 30 is so young! You have at least a decade of possibility in front of you and that is just in human terms and with God nothing is impossible!! God does delight in giving good things to us and I pray he continues to do that for you and your growing family this year. God bless you .

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    • Thank you for your encouragement, Beth. 🙂 Yes, in many ways I am still young. It’s definitely not a thing of feeling old– just of realizing that time is passing by.

      And His faithfulness has remained– of which I am so thankful!

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  5. Your words are so inspiring and turn me right back to the Lord and his word. They are always thought provoking, encouraging and full of truth. May God richly bless you and your family. “Woman of Valor”. I really like that!

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  6. I will be thirty and my womb is currently empty, so hard to be patient in the waiting, to have hope in the struggle, to cling to the dream that is an unknown at this point. My husband helps me keep the faith and we trust the Lord’s perfect plan for us even when it hurts. Thank you for this today!

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  7. Thank you for this encouragement. we all face all kinds of death of our wants – I will be turning 38 this may and not only I don’t have babies – nor will i ever be a young mother or with many children – but I also have zero prospect of marriage.

    Indeed God is good no matter how I feel or what happens (and the meaning I give to what happens). Sometimes there are still atrocities that I cannot reconcile with God’s goodness – like death or torture of children, stupid accidents, illnesses – but I am the clay and cannot demand on the Potter’s actions. But I can love and worship Him no matter what.
    And I can trust that He is indeed who He reveals Himself to be, even if I don’t understand how.

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  8. Your words came at the right time for me. I turned 30 only a week ago, and am yet to have the babies I dreamed of. I thought I would have a handful of children by age 30. The number just seemed to show the marching of time and signify how my life had not turned out as I would have planned it. Often I struggle to believe that God’s plans for me are good. Thank you for this reminder. My word for this year is “open.” I am praying to let go of my expectations and plans and be open to whatever God has for me. Thanks for the reminder that what God has in store will be good.

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  9. These words are so good for me to read and ponder. I’m also turning 30 this year and fully expected I’d be a mom several times over by now! That was before infertility became part of my journey. I thank God for directing me to your blog and book. He has ministered so graciously through you! Thank you.

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  10. “Sometimes we can’t trust our feelings. ”

    That single sentence spoke volumes to me. It’s Oh, SO true!! We can’t trust our feelings or let our feelings get in the way of what God is speaking to us. (Trusting our feelings can quite often lead us down the wrong paths actually.)
    Thank you.

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  11. I am so grateful for your honesty and vulnerability. Thank you for aways, always coming back to the truth. Our life stories aren’t identical but so often your posts reflect my own struggles and questions. I have been encouraged over and over again by what God is doing in your life. This post was needed reminder. Thank you!

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